Shades of Red
by flaretempest
Summary: Ash has made it to the championship match of the Sinnoh League, but he is distracted by the absence of someone, and is too nervous to reveal his feelings, so his Pokemon take matters into their own hands. Advanceshipping, AshxMay. Warning: Major OOC.
1. Little Mouse, Big Secret

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Pokemon and am in no way affiliated with the various parties who do. **

* * *

The sun was shining brightly on a magnificent summer day. There was not a cloud in the sky. Three friends were sitting on a bench in the middle of a park, contentedly watching their Pokemon frolic about. However, despite their cheerful expressions, one of the three had his mind in turmoil.

"_Why do I keep thinking about her? I called her three days ago, and she told me there was no chance that she could make it. I've just got to put her out of my head, and concentrate on tomorrow's battle._"

Taking a deep breath, he focused his mind.

"_Of course I'll use Pikachu; he's the most powerful member of my team. Torterra can take tons of attacks before going down and can dish out some strong attacks as well. Infernape has been a real handful for my opponents so far, and it should be the same for tomorrow's match. Floatzel's worn himself out, but he's so eager to battle that I can't refuse. Gliscor's been a great help, but then again it helps that many young Pokemon are terrified of its appearance. And Staraptor's speed and agility has gotten us out of many tight spots…"_

As he thought, he glanced up at the clear blue sky, and once again lost his train of thought, as the color reminded him of _her_ deep sapphire eyes…

"ASH!"

"Huh?!" Ash said, returning from his daydream state to find himself looking at his irritated friend.

"Brock and I were wondering what strategies you use in your battle tomorrow," said an irritated Dawn.

"Oh…uhhh, well I was thinking that… ummm…," stammered a very embarrassed Ash.

"Ash, what've you been doing all day? Tomorrow is one of the biggest Pokemon battles you'll ever be in! It's the Sinnoh League Championship match, for Christ's sake!" By this time, Dawn was red in the face from shouting, and had placed herself in front of Ash, hands on her hips. "I can't believe you! You spend so much time working to get where you are, and now you're just about to throw it all away!" As she shouted, her face inched closer and closer to Ash's face with every word, until all Ash could see was her crimson face.

"Calm down Dawn," Brock said as he placed a hand on Dawn's shoulder and gently pulled her back from Ash. "Ash is probably extremely nervous about tomorrow's battle, and yelling at him only adds to it."

At these words, Dawn finally calmed down a little. "You're right Brock," she sighed. "But that still doesn't change the fact that Ash doesn't have a solid strategy."

"I'll be fine Dawn. After all, I've been in tougher battles than this will be, and I've scrapped by without a strategy," replied Ash as he flashed Dawn a cheerful grin.

"Like the time you battled me for my gym's badge?" Brock asked mischievously.

"Ash battled you? For a gym badge? Why haven't you told me this story before?" Dawn asked.

"Well, it was kind of an odd battle…" began Brock, with Dawn listening with rapt attention.

Ash sighed nostalgically and resumed his daydreaming.

Brock wasn't the only one telling stories. In the grassy field surrounding the three friends, their Pokemon were gathered in a circle, listening intently to Ash's Pokemon.

* * *

"(I am worried about Ash. He seems so distracted. I hope he will return to his normal self in time for tomorrow's match)," Torterra worried.

"(I can't help but wonder what is distracting him. He is always concentrated on battling and training. What has happened to him?)," Gliscor added.

"(Perhaps he has finally realized that there are other things in life than Pokemon battling. It is unfortunate that he has only discovered this when we need his battling skills the most)," Staraptor said gravely.

Ever the comedian, Floatzel couldn't resist adding sarcastically: "(What else could he possibly love as much as battling? A _girl_?)."

At these words, everyone broke in raucous laughter. Infernape was rolling around on the ground, clutching his stomach while roaring with laughter. Torterra was chortling so hard that the ground started to rumble. Gliscor was bouncing around on its scorpion-like tail as tears of laughter streamed its eyes. Only Floatzel and Staraptor seemed able to control their mirth, but soon they too submitted to laughter. Pikachu was the only one not laughing.

"(Why are you not laughing Pikachu? This is some of the funniest stuff I've heard. Imagine, Ash with a _girl_)," Infernape managed to gasp out between laughs.

He replied seriously. "(I'm not laughing because I know that Floatzel was right)."

As soon as these words left Pikachu's mouth, the laughter immediately died out. Everyone listening turned toward him with shocked expressions and simultaneously shouted "WHAT?!"

"(WHAT?! ASH?! Dense little Ash?!)," Infernape said incredulously.

Ever the serious one, Staraptor replied "(As unlikely as it seems to some)", he glared at Infernape and Floatzel as he said this, "(we should be supporting Ash in his endeavor, not mocking him for it)."

"(So who is it Pikachu? Who does he like?)" Gliscor asked.

"(You guys wouldn't know her because you weren't with Ash when he traveled through Hoenn. Her name is May. She's a coordinator and she-)"

Torterra interrupted. "(Wait a second. May? Could it be the same May who placed in the top eight in the Hoenn Grand Festival and in the top four in the Kanto Grand Festival?)"

Everyone stared at him, and he seemed to turn red. "(What? I read the newspapers people leave lying around)."

"(But how can you turn the pages if you don't have any-)"

Staraptor interrupted Gliscor. "(I think it is best if we let Pikachu continue)."

Pikachu blinked in a silent thank you to Staraptor, and resumed his tale. "(Torterra is right. May competed in the Hoenn Grand Festival and the Kanto Grand Festival and did very well in both. She is a really kind and caring person. Ash and I met her on our first day in Hoenn, when she was starting out on her own adventure. She forced Ash to let her travel with him after I accidently destroyed her bike, and soon we found out that she is the daughter of the Petalburg City gym leader. Her brother Max joined our group, and then we found Brock, and we traveled all over Hoenn, and went to Kanto together after the Hoenn League and Hoenn Grand Festival. After the Battle Frontier and Kanto Grand Festival, our group was forced to split up. Now she is Johto, probably competing in the Johto Grand Festival)."

The group was silent for a moment, each contemplating what they just heard. Gliscor broke the silence.

"(So what do we do about this?)"

"(What do you mean by that? It's obvious. Ash is so hopeless at love. He _needs_ our help)," replied Infernape.

"(I agree. But we don't know what we're getting into. For now, I say we just sit back and observe. We need to concentrate on tomorrow's battle.)," Staraptor said wisely.

"(Yeah, and then we can help Ash _get some!_)" This earned Floatzel a smack on the back of the head from Staraptor's wing.

* * *

"ASH!"

"Huh?!" responded a dazed Ash, pulled from his reverie by the once-again irritated Dawn.

"Ash, you've been daydreaming _again_. Brock and I just said that its time to go back to the Pokemon center," Dawn lectured to an embarrassed Ash.

Sure enough, the sun had begun to set on the horizon, painting the park a fiery crimson color.

"Sorry Dawn. I've just been… distracted, that's all," he responded solemnly.

Her expression softened. "I'm sorry that I snapped at you like that Ash, but I'm worried that you might be sick or something. You just seem so oblivious and dazed all the time."

"I'm okay Dawn, really. I'm just nervous about the outcome of tomorrow's battle," he replied earnestly as he flashed her one of his trademark smiles.

"Well whatever happens, just try your hardest, and Dawn and I will be cheering for you the whole time," Brock said.

"Thanks guys. Now let's get back to the Pokemon center," said Ash as he began returning his Pokemon to their Pokeballs.

Dawn and Brock followed his lead, and soon they were walking serenely back to the Pokemon Center, each left to their own thoughts.

Ash slowly began to fall behind until Dawn and Brock were out of earshot. Turning his head around, he stared briefly at the sunset. It reminded him of _her._ Her red bandana, her red blouse… He sighed and trudged back to his friends, who were waiting for him to catch up.


	2. May Gets A New Fanclub

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Pokemon and probably never will.**

* * *

By nightfall, the three friends had made it back to the Pokemon Center, with Pikachu resting contentedly on Ash's shoulder and Piplup ambling alongside Dawn. They had barely made it through the entrance when Ash's stomach started to growl.

"You may be a little distracted, but some things never change," Dawn teased. Her cheerful demeanor vanished instantly when she saw Ash's face fall.

"_Some things never change, but why did May have to leave?_" he thought sorrowfully.

"Ash, are you alright?" she asked, her eyes laden with worry.

"I'm fine. I'm just... disappointed that we won't be eating Brock's cooking tonight," he replied, thinking quickly.

At the thought of Brock's food, both started to drool, but they hastily wiped it away before anyone noticed.

"By the way, where is Brock?" Dawn wondered as they looked around, puzzled by his sudden disappearance.

Her question was answered a few moments later by a distressed wail coming from the counter. As they turned towards the sound, they saw Brock tumble to the ground as a result of Toxicroak's Poison Jab, who then proceeded to unceremoniously drag him away from a flustered Nurse Joy.

"Yup, some things never change," said Ash, and he, Dawn, Piplup, and Pikachu burst into laughter.

After Brock's recovery and a quick dinner in which everyone was practically sleeping as they ate, it was finally time to turn in for the night.

"Maybe… maybe," began Dawn until she let out a yawn. "Maybe we shouldn't have spent all day at the park."

"The Pokemon needed to a take a break from being stuffed inside their Pokeballs, and besides, we all got to swap a few good stories," said Brock as he began to nod off at their dinner table. Toxicroak released itself from its Pokeball, and Brock was dragged off for the second time that night.

"Well, good night Dawn. You ready to go to bed, Pikachu?"

But Pikachu was already curled up comfortably in his chair, sound asleep.

Or so they thought.

* * *

Ash's snores echoed around the tiny two-bed room, and to Pikachu, it sounded as if a thunderstorm was brewing outside. He glanced at the digital clock on the bedside table between the beds. A red _12:00 PM _glowed back at him.

Pikachu stealthily crept out of his bed and over to the foot of Ash's bed, and located Ash's backpack, which he quietly unzipped and started to rummage around in.

Ash suddenly cried out "Drew! Get away from her!" and he sat up sharply in his bed. Pikachu froze.

"Oh, it was just a dream. Yeah, that's all it was. A dream," he said uneasily to himself as he lay back down. "Just a dream."

Pikachu remained still until he could hear Ash's breathing return to normal, and then resumed his search of the backpack, and soon found what he was looking for: a photograph. It was taken shortly after Ash had completed the Battle Frontier. He was holding up his final Frontier Symbol and was smiling broadly. Pikachu was on his left shoulder and had a matching smile. Brock was standing to the left of Ash with a dazed expression on his face, and was looking not at the camera, but at an Officer Jenny who had walked by off-camera. Max was standing beside Brock, and was reaching for Brock's ear with a baleful sneer on his face. But Pikachu was interested in only one person in the photograph: May. She was standing to Ash's right, leaning against him as she smiled and flashed a peace sign.

Pikachu's mission was not yet complete. Holding the picture in his mouth, he crept quietly up to the bedside table, and silently snatched off the Pokeballs. Carrying them in his tiny arms, he surreptitiously left the room, shuffled as quietly as he could manage down the Pokemon Center's main hallway, and out the exit.

* * *

Meanwhile, in Ash's dream…

He was standing in the middle of the stadium where the battles of the Sinnoh League took place. Ash was momentarily blinded by flashes from thousands of cameras, and didn't immediately notice the sound of the crowd: they were laughing at him. When his vision cleared, he saw Drew and May standing across from him. His heart leapt into his throat. They were holding hands, and in his free hand, Drew held a gold trophy almost as tall as himself: the trophy of the Sinnoh League Champion. May was pointing and laughing at Ash, and Drew had a sneer on his face.

"DREW! How'd you become the Sinnoh champ? You didn't even enter the tournament!" yelled an exasperated Ash.

"It doesn't matter Ash. I'm so amazing they just gave it to me on the spot. And besides, even if you won the tournament, you wouldn't have been named the Sinnoh Champ. You're too weak to deserve it," he responded in a snotty voice.

Then, Drew and May turned their faces towards each other, and leaned closer and closer together…

"NOOOO!!" Ash yelled in horror as the jeers of the crowd pounded his ears.

Ash woke to find himself sitting up in his bed again.

"It was just a dream. May will never fall for Drew. She's too smart for that," he said unconvincingly to himself. And with that, he fell back into a fitful sleep.

* * *

Once he exited the Pokemon Center, Pikachu kept walking until he found a secluded clearing, bordered on one side by a forest and a hedgerow on the other, which kept him out of site of the windows of the Center. Bathed in moonlight, the clearing was mostly deserted, with the only ones there being Pikachu, a wild Honchkrow, and a few wild Murkrow, who were scavenging for berries while the Honchkrow ordered them about. Knowing he would not find a better spot, Pikachu released the Pokemon from the Pokeballs he was carrying.

"(Okay. Next time we meet secretly, we definitely have to do it during the day. Too many of these midnight jaunts and I won't be able to wake up in the morning,)" grumped Torterra.

"(Yeah, just look at you! You obviously need your beauty sleep,)" quipped Floatzel, earning a smack from Staraptor's wing.

"(Stop that! We're a team! We mustn't insult each other!)" ordered Staraptor.

"(Jeez Staraptor! When did you become as bossy as a Honchkrow?)" joked Infernape. Noticing the glares he was getting from the Murkrow and the Honchkrow, he added a hasty "(No offense, of course!)".

"(I don't get why you guys don't like it. The night is perfect!)" exclaimed a happy Gliscor.

"(You can take the night and shove it up your-)" grumbled Torterra before he was interrupted by Staraptor.

"(Torterra, we know you don't like the night, but that doesn't mean you should act so grumpy. Now, we have precious little time, so we need to concentrate on what we came here for. Pikachu, if you would please show us)".

Pikachu took the photograph from his jaws and held it up in the moonlight, displaying it for all.

"(Here's a photo that Ash carries everywhere with him. It was taken nearly right after he won his final Frontier Symbol,)" Pikachu informed them.

"(I take it that May is the girl standing to right of Ash,)" Floatzel said.

Pikachu gave a nod.

"(Good, cuz it would be pretty awkward if May was the small boy standing next to Brock. He must he half Ash's age)". This earned him a second smack from Staraptor.

"(The boy standing next to Brock is Max, May's younger brother. He is on his own journey in Hoenn now,)" Pikachu said as if he hadn't even heard Floatzel's comment.

"(You know, May looks kind of hot,)" Infernape said out of the blue.

All who heard him, even the wild Honchkrow and Murkrow, turned and stared at him with expressions ranging from shock to disgust.

"(I meant as a _human,_)" Infernape tried to explain.

The staring continued.

"(Look. Just because I'm an ape doesn't mean that I-)"

"(That was _waaaaay_ too much information,)" Floatzel interrupted.

"(Come on guys. I just meant that as far as humans go, May just looks reasonably better than the average ones. I only said 'hot' because I'm a Fire-type. It's natural,)" Infernape explained sheepishly.

"(I will admit May does look a little better than other human females,)" Torterra said grudgingly.

Everyone reluctantly murmured their agreement.

"(Now, when will we next meet?)" asked Gliscor.

"(Well, after the battle and award ceremony, Ash said he'd go back to Pallet Town to have a celebration with his friends. He'll most likely drop us off at Professor Oak's lab, where we could plan without being disturbed. And it'll be the perfect chance to get Ash's other Pokemon involved)" Pikachu announced thoughtfully.

"(Very well, we shall meet then. Any objections?)" Staraptor asked.

After no one spoke up, he walked over to his Pokeball, tapped it with his beak, converted into a red beam of energy, and was sucked back inside. The others followed suit.

The meeting concluded, Pikachu grasped the photograph delicately in his jaws, gathered up the Pokeballs, and began the walk back to the Pokemon Center.


	3. Ash Gets Beauty Sleep

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own the media franchise published and owned by Nintendo and created by Satoshi Tajiri in 1996.**

* * *

Ash woke to a loud knocking on his room's door. Still half asleep, he got up and walked zombie-like to the door and opened it, to find a red-faced Dawn and a stern-faced Brock glowering at him.

"Ash, we've been banging on your door for twenty minutes! Do you have any idea what time it is?" Dawn questioned.

"No… why?" he replied, still half asleep.

"Ash, the final match of the Sinnoh League is in thirty minutes! You'll be late if you don't hurry! And if you're late, you'll be disqualified!" Brock roared.

This finally snapped Ash out of his dream-state. "Oh no! I can't be late!" he yelled as he slammed the door in Dawn and Brock's faces. He rapidly slid his sweatshirt over his head, slipped on his gloves, put on his shoes, and thrust his hat onto head. He swept his Pokeballs, Pokedex, and competition pass off the bedside table and stuffed them into his pockets, picked up a startled-awake Pikachu and placed him in his customary spot on his shoulder, yanked open the door, and sprinted out, bowling over Brock and Dawn in the process.

"How could Ash forget about today? It's one of the most important things that ever happened to him," Dawn said painfully as she stood back up.

"Well at least he didn't forget to get dressed this time," Brock said sorely.

"WHAT?!"

"Nothing. I'll tell you that story later," he replied as they both took off after Ash.

* * *

Ash was sprinting toward the stadium at top speed, and Pikachu could only barely hold on. Pedestrians, streets, and buildings swept by as Ash ran as fast as his legs could carry, which, unfortunately, was not very fast today, considering he was hungry enough to eat a Tauros, his stomach felt like it had a Beautifly flapping inside it, and his brain had went into overdrive, creating a feeling that there was a Rhydon repeatedly drilling into his skull.

As the stadium finally came into site, his heart leapt, but then dropped down into his stomach when he saw the enormous mob standing outside. He managed to reach the edge of the crowd unnoticed, then, gathering his wits about him, leapt into the mob and began elbowing his way through.

Initially, nobody noticed him, for everyone was focused on the gigantic viewscreen mounted above the entrance, impatiently waiting for the battle to begin. A few people shot him nasty looks as they were jostled, but didn't give him a second thought.

"_There's the entrance! Only a few more feet and we'll have made it!_" he thought eagerly as he maneuvered himself around a young girl. But unlike the other bystanders, a glint of recognition dawned in her eyes.

"OH MY GOD! IT'S ASH KETCHUM!" she shrieked in an extremely high pitched voice, and fainted on the spot.

At once, Ash was beset upon by the mob, like a school of Carvanha upon a lone Magikarp. People grabbed his arms and yanked him around like a rag doll, requests for autographs were shouted at him, he was bombarded by camera flashes, some people, like the first girl, even fainted at the sight of him. "_If this keeps up any longer, I'll be late! Why must fans be so barbaric?!_" he wondered to himself as he shouted for people to let go of him. But his protests only seemed to intensify the ferocity of the crowd, who were now being so bold as to try to rip Pikachu off his shoulder.

"_This has gone too far_," Pikachu thought furiously, and unleashed a huge Thunderbolt on the mob, and most were paralyzed and fell to the stiffly ground, with only those on the very fringes able to barely remain upright. Ash, tolerant of electric shocks, was only slightly dazed.

"Thanks buddy. I thought we were goners for a second," he said to Pikachu.

"Pi Pika!" replied an outwardly smiling Pikachu, but he was really thinking: "_Next time use the back entrance, you idiot._"

* * *

"Brock, will these people be alright?" Dawn asked as she carefully stepped over another paralyzed body. Countless other bodies surrounded them, and Dawn wondered if something akin to a nuclear bomb went off.

"They'll be fine. Or at least they should be," he replied as he tread around a body.

"What do you mean by 'should'?" she asked as she was stepping over another victim of Pikachu's mighty Thunderbolt.

"Well, they may suffer some pretty nasty side effects, all temporary of course. Inability to use the senses, loss of cognitive thinking, lack of muscle control, total loss of bowel control; the list goes on and on."

"Well, I think the last thing you mentioned may already have taken hold of some," she said disgustedly as she pointed to a yellow puddle.

* * *

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Sinnoh League Championship Match!" announced the MC, who stood in the middle of the field. He was a short, jovial, round man with a brown mustache that bounced up and down as he spoke, and as soon as he finished that short bit, the crowd let out a huge roar.

After patiently waiting for the noise to die down, he announced, "Now, introducing one challenger. Hailing from Pallet Town in Kanto, _Ash Ketchum!_"

Stepping into the arena, Ash was bombarded by an almost tangible wall of sound, for so great was the cheering of the crowd. Blinded by camera flashes and spotlights, he didn't see the actual size of the crowd until a few moments later. When his vision was restored, he was stunned.

Never before had he seen so many people gathered in place. They filled every available inch of space in the stands, bellowing like a great beast of legend. Some held up signs, but Ash was paid no attention to them, trying to find his friends in the chaos. Figuring they would be in the front row, courtesy of the V.I.P. tickets he had given them, his eyes roved the row right above the twenty-foot-high walls, which were plastered with banners of the League's corporate sponsors. Finally he found them, both standing up and cheering wildly.

Eventually the noise died out, and the MC announced, "And now the other challenger. Hailing from Lilycove City in Hoenn, _Matt Brevis!_"

As his opponent stepped into the arena, Ash's heart nearly stopped.

"_WHAT!? It's DREW!_" he thought, furious and confused at the same time as his dream from the previous night flashed back into his brain.

But once his opponent has stepped into the glow of the spotlights, Ash was relieved to know that he was mistaken. Facing him was a pale, brown haired boy close to Ash's age and height, whose eyes were opened wide in surprise at the greeting the spectators gave him.

"_Whew, I need to calm down. It wasn't Drew, just a random stranger, who happens to have a silhouette similar to Drew's. No need to freak out._"

After the cheers of the crowd died away, the MC began the explanation of the rules. "This battle will follow standard Sinnoh League rules. It will be a six-on-six battle; the trainer who knocks out all of six of his opponent's Pokemon first will be declared the winner. The following moves are banned from this tournament, and if used will result in disqualification: Double Team, Minimize, Horn Drill, Fissure-"

"Just start the battle already!" someone from the audience shouted, and the crowd began chanting: "BATTLE! BATTLE! BATTLE! BATTLE! BATTLE!"

The MC sighed resignedly. "Fine, fine. Are the trainers ready?"

Both nodded.

"Good. Then let the battle begin!" he declared, and leapt off the field onto the sidelines.


	4. Milk Causes Pain

**DISCLAIMER: If I owned Pokemon, I would not be writing this crap-tastic fanfic.**

* * *

"Go, Floatzel!" Ash yelled as he tossed one of Pokeballs into the arena. As it landed, it opened and emitted a brilliant flash of pure white light, from which Floatzel materialized. He was standing in his normal battle posture: legs shoulder width apart, arms raised, and a cocky grin on his face.

"Octillery, come on out!" yelled Matt as he repeated Ash's motions. Octillary appeared in a similar fashion, but with a much more boring pose: it simply stared dumbly at Floatzel with the sleepy-looking eyes that are typical of its species.

"(Yeah, Floatzel! _Kick its ass!_)" yelled Pikachu from Ash's shoulder in an uncharacteristically unruly tone.

"(Aw yeah! Some bitch is about to get _OWNED!_)" declared Floatzel confidently.

Ash, oblivious to the vulgar language his Pokemon were exchanging, called out his first command. "Floatzel, use Aqua Jet to close the distance between you and Octillery!"

Floatzel began rotating his two tails in a propeller-like motion, and soon they were just a blur. Suddenly, a huge jet of water shot out behind him, and he rocketed off toward Octillery, moving at blinding speed.

"Octillery, use Lock-On, and follow it up with Charge Beam!" Matt called out from his side of the field.

Octillery's eyes glowed red as it shot a thin red beam akin to a laser at the speeding Floatzel, and as soon it connected with Floatzel's body, let loose a thin yellow beam of crackling electricity towards him.

"Floatzel, swerve to avoid it!" Ash yelled.

"(How stupid do you think I am? I would've avoided that attack even if you didn't tell me!)" he muttered under his breath, and turned sharply to the right, but was followed by the Charge Beam. Again he swerved, this time to the left, but the attack was still following him.

"Floatzel, do whatever you can do avoid the attack!" Ash ordered, desperation creeping into his voice.

"(Again, that was highly unnecessary,)" he muttered as he went into a loop, and threw in another for good measure. But still the Charge Beam followed.

"Octillery, fire Energy Balls at Floatzel!" commanded Matt.

Octillery began to unleash a barrage of green spheres upon Floatzel, who was pushed to his limit trying to dodge them _and_ the Charge Beam.

"_What can I do? Floatzel can't keep up his evasion for much longer, and if a few of those super effective attacks hit him, he's done for! Wait, that's it! Octillery is a water type, so it is also weak to the Charge Beam!_" Ash thought excitedly, a plan formulating in his mind.

"Floatzel, head back to Octillery and grab hold of it!" Ash yelled, renewed determination in his voice.

Floatzel swerved sharply and turned towards his opponent. ("_I hope he knows what he's doing, cause I sure don't_,)" he thought to himself as he sped toward Octillery, dodging Energy Balls as he went. ("_Lucky for us, that Octillery is a horrible shot. Otherwise we'd have been screwed over a lot sooner_.")

Dodging and weaving, Floatzel managed to get directly over the Octillery's bulbous head, and then dived down, like a dive bomber, with the Charge Beam still following him, and closing fast. "_Almost there, only a few more feet,_" he thought determinedly as the static of the Charge Beam started to raise the fur on his feet.

"Now Octillery, use Hyper Beam!" Matt called.

"Floatzel, you use Hyper Beam too!" odered Ash.

A few things happened at once. Floatzel grabbed onto one of Octillery's thin, slimy tentacles. The Charge Beam that had been tailing Floatzel since the start of the match had finally caught up with and briefly flowing through his body, and then onward into Octillery's via the tentacle Floatzel grasped. And then, each combatant unleashed a huge, glowing orange beam from their moves, which collided in the three feet separating them, causing a massive explosion, covering the field in a thick cloud of acrid smoke.

After the smoke cleared, Floatzel was discovered on the floor, behind Ash. The wall above him had several cracks in from the impact of his body. He was laying face-up on the floor, his fur was matted and dusty, but his face still bore that cocky grin from the start of the match.

"(Yeah, I can take out anything you can dish out, you stupid cephalopod!)" Floatzel called out weakly.

"_I may be in bad shape, but at least this means that Staraptor won't_…" his thought was cut off when he looked up at the section of wall he had collided with. It was plastered with a large banner of one of the Sinnoh League's sponsers: '_Poke-Air will get you anywhere!_' the banner proclaimed, and had a picture of the company mascot, a Staraptor, winking and giving a thumbs up. There was a head-sized dent in one of the Staraptor's wings.

"(DAMN IT!)" he yelled as he finally lost consciousness.

Octillery hadn't fared any better. He too was knocked out after being launched into the wall, his suction cups no match for the force of the explosion.

"Both trainers' Pokemon are unable to battle. This round is a tie!" declared the MC from the sidelines. "Now trainers, send out your next Pokemon!"

"Go, Gliscor!" Ash yelled as he threw Gliscor's Pokeball onto the field.

"Exploud, show them what you are made of!" shouted Matt as he tossed a Pokeball onto the field.

"(Ooooooh! Aren't I scary? Ooooooh!)" Gliscor wailed spookily as he emerged from his Pokeball with his best vampire face on.

"(Not really. I've seen scarier,)" replied the Exploud as he materialized from his Pokeball.

"(Oh. Well it was worth a shot. So, shall we start this?)" Gliscor asked in a bored tone.

"Gliscor, get up in the air and begin charging up a Razor Wind!" yelled Ash.

"Exploud, boost up with Howl!" Matt ordered.

"(Guess this is our cue to start,)" Exploud said as he opened his cavernous mouth and let loose a howl that would have put a Mightyena to shame.

"(You know, I'm not really in the mood to fight today,)" Gliscor revealed as he took to the air and his wings started to glow white.

"(Neither am I. But what can we do about it?)" asked Exploud as he prepared for another Howl.

"(Well, we could just walk on out of here. They're powerless without us. And besides, what's the worst they can do, send us back into our Pokeballs?)" Gliscor spat contemptuously.

"(Yeah, I would like to see them try. Imagine it, roaming the world peacefully, without having to take orders from some _human_,)" Exploud said.

"Okay, that's enough Howling for now, Exploud. Use Outrage!" called Matt. Unfortunately, neither Ash nor Gliscor heard this command; Ash because he was once again daydreaming, and Gliscor because he was preoccupied with his dreams of life without a trainer.

"(Yeah. The first things I'd want to do is have some cookies and milk. I always beg Ash for some, but he-)"

"(Wait. Did you say cookies and _MILK_?)" Exploud asked, anger creeping into his voice.

"(Umm… yeah. What about it?)" Gliscor replied nervously.

"(I AM LACTOSE INTOLERANT! I HATE MILK AND ALL WHO ENJOY IT!)" bellowed Exploud, and he jumped mightily into the air, reaching for Gliscor.

Exploud's bellow, while carrying no meaning to Ash, was loud enough to break him out his reverie. Seeing an angry Exploud lunging at a terrified Gliscor, he ordered, "Gliscor, use Razor Wind to stop it!"

"(Huh?! Oh yeah, I forgot about that!)" remembered Gliscor, and he released a sharp blast of air at the furious Exploud, who was leaping towards him, arms extended.

Unfortunately, Exploud's fury was so great that the Razor Wind had no effect. Gliscor could only manage a pitiful squeal before Exploud grabbed it and threw it mightily to the ground, and proceeded to land on top of him with a sickening thud.

"Gliscor is unable to battle. Exploud wins this round!" proclaimed the MC. "But wait! Exploud's use of Outrage has left it confused!"

Sure enough, Exploud was tottering confusedly about the field.

"(Oh God, what have I done?! He was a poor, defenseless creature! I've become a _monster_,)" he cried, his head in hands, tears streaming unchecked. "(I've got to redeem myself!)"

He ambled over to the closest wall, and with a final cry of "(I'm sorry, Gliscor! Forgive me!)", he slammed his with as much force as he could muster into the wall, and slumped to the ground, unconscious.

"I don't believe it folks! What you have witnessed was one of the most potent displays of confusion in the history of the Sinnoh League!" proudly declared the MC. "And because of Exploud's confusion, this round is a tie!"


	5. Torterra Gets Drilled

**DISCLAIMER: If I owned Pokemon, everything spouted from my mouth would be canon.**

* * *

"Okay Torterra, come on out!" yelled Ash, once again tossing a Pokeball into the arena.

"You too, Rhyperior!" shouted Matt from his end of the field.

After both Pokemon materialized and the round officially started, Matt began to quickly issue orders.

"Rhyperior, trip up Torterra with Earthquake, and then follow it up with Double Edge!"

Rhyperior immediately jumped a short distance into the air and landed heavily, creating a shockwave that rippled outwards toward Torterra, sending up dirt and dust in its wake and causing small fissures to appear in the ground, and then charged in the shockwave's wake, its entire body glowing a blinding white.

Meanwhile, Torterra was waiting patiently for Ash to issue his orders. But Ash was not paying any attention to the battle. Concerned, Pikachu looked at Ash's face, only to find his eyes glazed over. Observant of the Earthquake and the charging Rhyperior, Pikachu took charge.

"(Well don't just stand there, you great lump! Do _something_!)"

"(Sorry, but I only listen to my trainer,)" Torterra said dismissively.

"(Well, if you don't do anything, you'll be in a world of hurt,)" Pikachu said as he pointed toward the Earthquake that grew closer and closer, along with the Rhyperior that was charging along behind it.

"(Hmm… you do have a point. Being in pain is highly undesirable,)" Torterra allowed. After a moment's onsideration: "(Aw to hell with it! I refuse to get hurt just because Mr. Lovestruck over there has his head in the clouds.)"

Torterra unleashed an Earthquake of his own, which effectively canceled out his opponent's Earthquake, and charged toward the Rhyperior, glowing bright green as a side effect of Wood Hammer. Meeting the center of the arena with a loud crash, the two combatants began a fevered pushing match.

While the two opponents were grappling and exchanging vulgar insults, Pikachu was occupied with trying to snap Ash back to reality. Unfortunately for Pikachu's ears, some snatches of their rude taunts floated over to him.

"(Come on, Ash. Snap out of it! Something important is going on!)" Pikachu shouted as he administered several slaps to Ash's face, to no effect.

"(Is this the best you can do? My _mom_ can push harder than this!)" taunted Rhyperior.

"(Well at least _my mom_ didn't have to put up with raising a numbskull like you!)" retorted Torterra.

"(At least my mom loved me!)"

"(It doesn't look like it from where I'm standing!)"

"(ASH! Snap out of it!)"

"(You're so wimpy you couldn't beat up a Weedle!)"

"(You're so wimpy the Weedle would beat _you _up!)"

"(ASH!)" screamed Pikachu, this time administering an electric shock, but to no avail.

"(Yeah, well you're so stupid that you thought a Pokeball was a rice ball!)"

"(At least I'm not so fat that I'm constantly thinking about food!)"

"(Both of you _SHUT UP_!)" shouted Pikachu at the two opponents, who ignored him and continued their verbal exchange.

Meanwhile, in Ash's daydream:

Ash was standing in a beautiful field on a perfect spring day. The sky was clear, the sun was shining, birds were singing, and the ground was carpeted with colorful flowers. But this perfect atmosphere had no effect on Ash, who was standing dumbstruck on the side of the field, watching May and Drew holding hands as they stood serenely in the middle of the field. May was speaking, but Ash couldn't hear, so he crept closer. As he began to make out what she was saying, he became even more confused: May was complimenting Drew on his _negative_ qualities.

"Oh, Drew! Your extremely large ego and your vanity are sooooo attractive," fawned May. "I just loooove the way you act so selfish and conceited! And your arrogance and haughtiness is sooooo appealing!"

"May, why do you like Drew?! You just named some of the things that make him a bad person!" Ash exclaimed.

"Ash, you're just too kind, caring, and thoughtful. You're not good enough for me!" May shouted back, which made Ash even more confused.

"Don't even bother to try to win her over, Ketchum! May is too madly in love with me for you to do anything about it!" Drew responded, with a sneer of triumph on his face.

Back in reality:

Pikachu had finally given up on bringing Ash back to the real world, and was instead sitting on the floor next to were Ash stood, trying to control Torterra.

But the battle was _still_ in a deadlock, the two combatants refusing to give ground in their pushing match, which was quite heated by now, courtesy of the insults the two had exchanged and still were exchanging. No matter how many commands Matt and Pikachu shouted, their wounded prides refused to let them back down. Pikachu soon grew bored of this, began to doze off. And he would've fallen asleep, if Rhyperior hadn't snapped him awake with a loud bellow.

"(WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!)" he roared as he stopped pushing.

"(Nothing, nothing. Just that you're girlfriend is a stupid slut,)" replied Torterra as he stopped his pushing.

"(ENOUGH!)" Rhyperior thundered. "(You've insulted me, my family, my friends, my team mates, and my trainer. I'm fine with that. _But when you insult my girlfriend, you cross the line!_)"

As he finished his tirade, his drill-like horn began spinning; slowly at first, but rapidly speeding up.

"(_Why is he spinning his horn? There are only a few attacks that require a spinning horn, and they are so weak that a strong Pokemon like Rhyperior wouldn't be caught dead with them. Unless…_)" Pikachu pondered.

"(_SHIT!_)" he thought, unaware that his thought was echoed by Torterra and Matt as well.

"(_He can't be using Horn Drill! It's against the rules! He'll cost Matt the battle!_)" But then: "(_This means I won't have to fight!_)" He brightened up at that thought.

By now, Rhyperior's horn was spinning so fast it was only a blur, and he prepared to strike Torterra, who was frozen in fear.

"(Don't worry, Torterra! Your sacrifice will win the battle for us!)" Pikachu shouted in what he hoped was an encouraging voice.

"(But I don't want to die! I have my whole life ahead of me!)" Torterra whined pitifully.

"(Take it like a man, you big baby!)"

"(Easy for you to say! You're not the one who will be dead!)"

"(Calm down! You won't die! The censors won't allow it!)"

"(What?! They allow us to swear and drink alcohol, but they won't let anyone die? This story is screwed up.)"

"(Torterra! You weren't supposed to mention the alcohol part! It won't happen 'til the next chapter! Just for that, the author will probably make you suffer an extremely painful injury from the attack!)"

"(Yeah, well the author's an asshole.)"

"(I couldn't agree with you more. Bu that's enough of breaking the fourth wall for now, you have an attack to receive.)"

And on cue, Rhyperior started to slowly lower the spinning horn toward Torterra's head.

"(Wait. I wouldn't do that if I were you,)" Torterra said.

Rhyperior paused. "(And why not?)"

"(If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine,)" he replied cryptically.

"(Sorry, but I hated that movie.)"

"(What? How can you not like it? It revolutionized filmmaking as we know it!)"

"(I know, but I'm not a big fan of Sci-Fi. If you had mentioned the movie about the archaeologist who goes on a hunt to find a magical lost ark before the forces of evil find it and use its power to take over the world, maybe I would've had second thoughts.)"

"(What?! Why didn't you just tell me the title of the movie instead of giving a concise summary of the plot?)"

"(Because I'm too lazy to give a disclaimer.)" And with those final words, Rhyperior drove his horn into Torterra's face.

Torterra's scream made Pikachu's blood boil, and for a brief moment, everyone watching fell silent.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I don't believe it! Rhyperior has just used Horn Drill! And because of this, Matt Brevis is disqualified, making Ash Ketchum the winner by default!" proclaimed the MC.

A great cheer rose up from the crowd, which finally snapped Ash out of his daydream.

"Huh? What happened?!" Ash wondered as the MC walked toward him, carrying a gold trophy nearly half as tall as himself.

"Ash, it may seem that only dumb luck has brought you this victory, but that is not true. Your skills as a trainer and your cunning strategy are what brought you this win, and I am proud to award you this trophy, and proclaim you the Sinnoh League Champion!" he said as he raised Ash's arms to the crowd, which made them cheer even louder.


	6. The Fourth Wall Dies

**DISCLAIMER: Read the previous chapters' if you haven't caught on by now.**

* * *

After the award ceremony, Ash and his friends had to fight their way through several mobs of rabid fans to get back to the Pokemon Center. Despite Pikachu's 'lesson' earlier in the day, most of the fans were undeterred, and the local hospital was overflowing with victims of Pikachu's Thunderbolt. Fortunately, there were several sick Pokemon in the Center who needed peace and quiet, so Nurse Joy enforced a strict 'No Fans' policy. Well, fortunately for Ash and friends. Not for the sick Pokemon.

The gang was sitting in the Center's cafeteria, eating a quick lunch while trying to ignore the stares of the other patrons. Unlike the mobs of fans lurking outside the Center, these fans were quite tame, consequence of an episode earlier in the day in which Nurse Joy kicked out a frenzied fan who was trying to break into Ash's room.

"I don't get why Ash was crowned the Champion. He only won because that Rhyperior went berserk," Dawn said crossly.

"Calm down, Dawn. Ash may have won only because of luck, but in a Pokemon battle, luck is always a huge factor," Brock said, attempting to cool down Dawn. "If anything, this battle proved that Ash a strong bond with his Pokemon, stronger than any other trainer in Sinnoh, and possibly the world."

"Yeah, my Pokemon are unquestionably loyal to me, and would never do anything behind my back," Ash said proudly.

At these words, Pikachu choked on his food, and had to be smacked hard on his back by Piplup, which caused him to spew crumbs all over his section of the table.

"Pikachu, are you okay?" asked an alarmed Ash.

"(Of course I'm not okay, I nearly choked to death!)" yelled Pikachu angrily, but all Ash heard was "Pi Pika Chu!"

"Okay then. We should start packing up." Ash said.

"Packing up for what? Where are we going?" Dawn asked.

"Oh yeah, you don't know the tradition." Ash said cryptically, glancing at Brock as he spoke.

"What are you talking about? What tradition?" Dawn questioned, confused.

"You see Dawn, after every league that Ash enters is finished, his mom throws a party to celebrate how well he did. A lot of our friends we haven't seen for a while show up, and we have lots of fun swapping stories and catching up. Not to mention the great feast that Ash's mom cooks for us," Brock responded, salivating at the thought of the delicious food.

"But what if Ash gets eliminated very early? You can't expect his luck to hold for _every_ league."

Ash and Brock just laughed.

"That's just nonsense! I _have_ to do well, because I'm the main character!" Ash explained to a confused Dawn.

"What is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"I don't know, but it's true!"

After the three friends finished packing, they made their way down to the city's port. To their extreme surprise, they were not harassed by any of Ash's fans. But this probably because of the deathly glares that Pikachu was giving anyone who came within fifteen feet of Ash and company.

They managed to board a ship bound for Kanto without any difficulty, and soon were well on their way.

* * *

The gang was hanging out in the ship's lounge when…

"Attention passengers, this is your captain speaking," boomed the captain's voice over the ship's intercom system. "We have encountered some rough weather, but the ship should be able to pull through. It is advised that all passengers remain in their cabins until the storm passes over."

"Brock, is it just me, or are you getting a serious sense of déjà vu?" Ash asked.

"Yeah, but this time we don't have Misty's water Pokemon to bail us out," he answered as the ship's hull creaked ominously.

"What are you two talking about?" questioned Dawn, who was feeling left out.

"Nothing, nothing," answered Brock calmly, not wanting to scare Dawn. "Let's just go back to our cabin, and everything will be fine."

As they sat in their cabin, each had his or her own time to think.

"_I wonder if there are any good shopping centers in Pallet Town. I need to get new shoes, a new bag, and a new hat couldn't hurt. Now that I think of it, buying a whole new wardrobe wouldn't be such a bad idea…_" Dawn thought, her mind stereotypically occupied by shopping and clothes.

"_I can drop off Toxicroak at Professor Oak's lab, and then I'll be able to spend all the time in the world with Nurse Joy…_" imagined Brock, exuberant at the thought.

"_After the other Pokemon and I get dropped of at Professor Oak's lab and the party at Ash's house begins, they'll be no one around to watch us. Then we can get TOTALLY drunk!_" thought Pikachu excitedly.

Unlike the others, Ash wasn't thinking very happy thoughts.

"_Oh, no! May is gonna be at the party! If she tries to talk to me, I'll spontaneously combust! What am I supposed to do?_" But then another bad thought: "_What if she comes with DREW?_" The thought made his stomach queasy, and it had nothing to do with the ship's rocking.

Dawn was the first to notice Ash's uneasiness.

"Ash, are you okay? You look a little green," she asked, concerned.

"I'm f-f-fine," he stuttered, not knowing that he was as green as a Grass-type.

"Ash will be fine, Dawn. I remember when we were on the St. Anne, and the ship rolled upside down with us on it, and then kept rocking back and forth. But somehow, Ash didn't get motion sickness through the whole thing," said Brock cheerily.

"I wasn't sick then because I didn't eat anything!" shouted Ash as he ran to the bathroom, shut the door, and began to 'toss his cookies'.

"Well, this is what he gets for that big appetite," Dawn said matter-of-factually as the sound of Ash's vomiting echoed from the bathroom and throughout their cabin.

The next day, the ship finally docked in the Pallet Town harbor, and all passengers departed.

"Wow, that was an…," Dawn paused as she searched for the right word, "…interesting journey."

"Ash, I never knew you got seasick. I mean, you've been on dozens of ships before, and nothing like that ever happened," Brock pointed out.

"Sorry, but I guess that when you reminded me of the St. Anne, I just kinda lost it," Ash replied sheepishly, glad that his friends hadn't figured out his _real_ reason for throwing up.

"Ughh… you're right. Even the thought of having to go through that again gives me the creeps," Brock shuddered.

"So can you guys finally tell me that story? I feel left out," pouted Dawn.

"Sorry, but the author is too lazy to write out the whole thing," said Ash, not really knowing what he was saying.

"What? What are you talking about? What author? This isn't a story, it's real life!" exclaimed Dawn.

"Sorry, but those words just kind of popped into my head. I don't know why I said them," apologized Ash.

"I'm sorry for snapping like that, Ash, but the way you talk, you make it seem like there is some outside force controlling us, like we can't think or act for ourselves."

"Dawn, that's such a crazy thought, even crazier than what I say sometimes!"

* * *

After some walking, the group made it Professor Oak's lab.

"Well, well. If it isn't little Ash," sneered Gary as he opened the door to let them in. "Typical of a loser like you to come crawling back to me for help."

"I don't need your help, Gary! I can take care of myself," said Ash, his voice rising.

"Is that why you need those lackeys to go everywhere with you?" Gary asked mockingly, gesturing towards Brock and Dawn.

"At least I _have_ friends," retorted Ash.

"Both of you _stop it_!' shouted Dawn, and they both fell silent. "How can you both be so angry at each other all the time? What is wrong with you two?!" she demanded.

At her words, both Ash and Gary burst into raucous laughter.

"What?! Was it something I said?" inquired a puzzled Dawn.

Soon the laughter died out, and Ash and Gary were able to answer.

"Actually, it was something you said. You thinking Ash and I are _actually_ fighting is quite funny," said Gary.

"You see Dawn, Gary and I used to be terrible rivals, but eventually we realized how stupid it was to fight all the time, and now we're friends," added Ash.

"We just pretend to fight whenever we meet for old time's sake," Gary put in.

"That doesn't make much sense," said a still confused Dawn.

"It doesn't have too, this is just a fanfic," Ash said.

"Ash, you're doing it again," sighed an exasperated Dawn.

"Oops, sorry."


	7. Pokemon Need Beer, Too

**DISCLAIMER: If I owned Pokemon, I wouldn't need a disclaimer.**

* * *

It was midday when Ash, Brock, and Dawn left Professor Oak's lab. Fortunately for him, he didn't receive a goodbye stampede from his Pokemon, who were listening intently to Pikachu's tale of his adventures in Sinnoh.

Traveling down the dusty road to Ash's house, the three friends chatted amiably amongst themselves as they walked by dozens of quiet houses.

"Ash, where is everyone? Your neighborhood is like a ghost town," Dawn asked as her eyes darted back and forth.

"That's normal. Everyone is probably out playing in one of the many fields around here, or at the tiny stretch of beach near the harbor," he replied, unconcerned.

"There's a beach here?" she asked, her face brightening.

"I wouldn't really call it a beach. It's really small compared to what I normally think of when I say 'beach'."

Seeing Dawn's face fall, he quickly added, "But there is a mall here. It's right next to the-"

"There is?!" she interrupted, euphoric. "We've got to go there immediately after the party! I need to buy new shoes, a new blouse, a new skirt…"

Ash tuned her out as they walked. His mind drifted, until he thought of May again. The thought of seeing her made him simultaneously want to burst with joy and self destruct out of sadness.

"_I know that it would be better for me if I just told her how I feel, but what if she doesn't feel the same way about me? I'd doom our friendship, and we could never talk to each ever again! What am I supposed to do?_" he thought mournfully.

Just as he finished that thought, the trio came around a bend in the road and finally saw Ash's house.

It was the same as Ash and Brock remembered it: a small, neat house with white siding and a brick red roof, with a small flowerbed decorating the path to the front door.

"Looks like she didn't go overboard like last year," said Ash, relieved.

"Yeah, but don't hold your breath. I wouldn't be surprised if your mom hired a clown!" joked Brock.

"What are you two talking about?" asked Dawn impatiently.

"Well, my mom has a… uhhh…," Ash paused as he searched for the right word. "… an embarrassing way of caring for me."

"It's just because she loves you. You know, sometimes I wish _I_ was an only child, just so my parents could have the time to give me as much attention," said Brock, envy creeping into his voice.

"Well, what does she do?" inquired Dawn, eager as always to hear embarrassing stories about Ash.

Ash coughed and looked down at his feet, but that didn't stop Brock from talking.

"The last time there was a party was when Ash got his final Frontier Symbol…"

**

* * *

FLASHBACK**

Ash, May, Brock, and Max were walking along the same dusty road that present-day Ash, Brock, and Dawn were traveling on, and turned around the same bend. When they saw Ash's house, they all froze simultaneously.

Before them was Ash's house, looking much like it was in the present. But it was not the _house_ that had made them pause, rather what was _around_ the house.

The path leading to the front door was covered with blue confetti, and there were ten foot tall arches made entirely of balloons straddling the path every few paces, creating a tunnel-like effect. The yard was covered with signs bearing messages such as 'Congrats Ash!' and 'Great Job, Ketchum!', but the signs were dwarfed by a huge banner displaying a picture of Ash posing with his latest Frontier Symbol. But dwarfing even the banner was a larger-than-life bronze statue of Pikachu, who was giving a peace sign and winking.

Everyone was lost for words for a minute, but Ash and Brock recovered the quickest.

"I guess your mom went overboard again, Ash," Brock said jokingly.

"Umm… yeah," Ash mumbled, blushing deep red, and then resumed walking with Brock. May and Max were still at a loss for words, and followed dazedly.

**END OF FLASHBACK**

* * *

"…And afterwards, Ash begged his mom to never have a party like that ever again, and I guess the begging worked."

By the time Brock's tale was over, the trio had already made it to the front door. After a moment's hesitation, Ash knocked. The door flew open before he could even pull back his hand, and Ash dragged forcibly into the house, and pulled into a huge hug.

"Ashy! You're finally home! I've been so worried!" cried out an overjoyed Delia Ketchum as her son squirmed in her hug.

"Mom, I've been fine! We've been completely safe in Sinnoh!" whined an embarrassed Ash, blushing beet red.

"But the important thing is that you're home now," said Delia, and she hugged him even tighter.

Then she released Ash, who now stood sheepishly off to the side, and greeted her other two visitors.

"Hello, Brock. It's so good to see you again. I'm glad to know Ash has someone like you to take care of him during his travels," she said warmly.

"Nice to see you too, Mrs. Ketchum."

"And you must be Dawn. Ash tells me a lot about you when he calls. He says you're one of the best coordinators he's known."

"Well, I wouldn't say the best…" Dawn replied modestly, but still she blushed as she spoke.

"Come in, all of you! You made it just in time! The party starts in an hour," said Delia as she welcomed them inside.

* * *

Meanwhile…

At Professor Oak's lab, Pikachu was standing on a tree stump like it was a stage, telling a tale of his Sinnoh adventures to the assembled Pokemon.

"(…And that's how Ash won his fifth Sinnoh badge.)"

"(That's boring)," said Corphish. "(We all have heard enough stories of Ash getting a badge; that seems to be all he _ever_ does. Tell us something interesting!)"

"(Yeah! Tell us something funny!)" chimed in Totodile as he did his trademark dance.

"(Funny? You wanna hear something funny?)" said Floatzel.

"(YES!)" thundered back all of the assembled Pokemon, except for Pikachu and the Sinnoh Pokemon, who knew what was coming, but could only manage a weak "(No…)".

"(Our dense, dull, dumb, simple, stupid, slow-witted trainer has fallen _deeply_ _in_ _love_ with a certain _someone_,)" said Floatzel mischievously as he winked at Pikachu.

The entire group was silent for a moment.

"(Yeah, that's a good one, Floatzel. Now tell us something that's _true_,)" said Corphish grumpily.

"(Ash in _love_?! That's got to be a joke. It isn't April Fools' Day, is it?" said Heracross, also incredulous.

"(I'm telling you guys, it's true!)" defended Floatzel.

"(Hmph! That's about as likely as Darkrai deciding to pal around with Cresselia!)" snorted Sceptile.

"(Umm… I don't know how to say this, guys, but it's actually true,)" said Pikachu nervously from his tree stump.

All assembled gasped (except for the Sinnoh Pokemon), and Bayleef and Donphan actually fainted. Even Snorlax, who napping nearby, woke up with a start.

"(Okay. So why don't you tell us all the details from the start?)" suggested Noctowl, who was speaking a lot more calmly than he actually felt.

"(When he was traveling through Hoenn, Ash met this girl named May. And then…)" Pikachu began.

* * *

1 hour later…

"(…But he is too timid to actually _do_ anything but daydream and stare at her from a distance.)" Pikachu finished.

The group took a second to absorb the deluge of information.

"(So what do we do about it?)" asked Cyndaquil, unwittingly asking the same question that Gliscor asked when the Sinnoh Pokemon found out.

"(Well, we already know from observation that Ash is crazily in love with her. So I think it's time to act.)" said Staraptor.

"(I agree. But what should we do? We can't do anything too drastic, or it may cripple any chance they have at a relationship.)" said Noctowl.

Just then, the back door of the laboratory opened, and Gary spoke to them.

"Okay guys, Tracey and I are off to Ash's party. Don't do anything bad while we're gone," he said, and shut the door. Footsteps were heard fading in the distance, and then silence.

"(Let's plan later! Now that we're alone, it's time to party!)" yelled Totodile as he dragged a boom box out of the bushes.

"(Don't you think that's a bad idea? Humans walking by may hear it,)" warned Noctowl.

"(You just to need to chill out, Noctowl. A bit of fun can't hurt,)" soothed Floatzel as he carried a keg out of the bushes.

The sight of the keg caused Staraptor's eyes to bulge. "(Is that what I think it is?)"

"(Well, that depends. If you think it is an alcoholic beverage, then yes,)" replied Floatzel calmly.

"(You can't have alcohol here! We'll get in trouble!)"

"(There aren't any laws that say Pokemon can't drink beer.)"

"(That's because humans don't expect Pokemon to be drinking beer in the first place!)" said Staraptor angrily as a vein started bulging on his forehead.

"(But since there aren't any laws against it, the worst our trainers can do is wag their fingers at us and give us a stern talking to. We can deal with that,)" soothed Floatzel.

"(Come on, Staraptor, lighten up!)" said Infernape. "(What's the worst that could happen from a couple of drinks?)"

"(We shouldn't be doing this!)"

"(Fine then, Mr. Party Pooper. We don't need you here. Go hang somewhere else.)"

Staraptor angrily flew off, leaving a laughing Floatzel and Infernape in his wake. Next to a pond, he spotted Sceptile and Noctowl lounging.

"(So the party wasn't for you, either?)" asked Sceptile as Staraptor landed.

"(Heavens, no!)" replied a flustered Staraptor. "(I can't imagine anything worse than being there!)"

"(Don't worry. They'll get what's coming to them.)"

"(What do you mean?)"

"(It seems like there's enough beer to give everyone wants some at least six drinks…)" began Noctowl.

"(…And since our bodies are not made to process alcohol on the same level as humans…)" continued Sceptile.

"(…They'll get massive hangovers!)" finished Staraptor exuberantly.


	8. May Gets Punched

**DISCLAIMER: .. / -.. --- / -. --- - / --- .-- -. / .--. --- -.- . -- --- -. .-.-.-**

**DISCLAIMER #2: I do not own Age of Empires and am in no way affiliated with the various parties who do.**

* * *

"(Ugh! I can't stand this!)" moaned Staraptor.

No matter how far away Sceptile, Noctowl, and Staraptor moved from the party, the noise just seemed to follow them, until it became a deafening roar in their ears.

"(What's that?! I can't hear you!)" shouted a disgruntled Noctowl.

"(I said, I can't stand this noise! I'm leaving!)" Staraptor shouted back.

"(WHAT?! I can't hear! The party is too loud!)"

Sceptile was already pushed to his limit from the noise, and seeing the two bickering Pokemon threw him over the edge.

"(Both of you SHUT UP!)" he shouted angrily as he grabbed a wing from each them and started roughly dragging them toward the fence that bordered the lab. "(We're getting out of here!)"

* * *

The celebration was just heating up at Ash's house. Several of Ash's friends had already showed up and were catching up on events. Everyone was in a good mood. Well, almost everyone.

Ash was sitting in a corner, pretending to listen to Richie narrate his recent adventures in Hoenn to an attentive Max.

"_I guess she isn't coming. But I shouldn't be so surprised. She's probably competing in some contest in Johto right now. She probably forgot all about me_," he thought sadly. "_She's probably really happy, being around Drew all the time_." He sighed. "_I need to stop being so selfish. I should be glad that she's probably really happy right now._ _Who am I to decide who she can and can't love?_"

His depressing thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door. He stood up slowly, and trudged over to the door, forcing a smile onto his face as he opened it. To his immense surprise, May was standing in front of him.

* * *

"(Tell me again, why we are doing this?)" asked a grumpy Sceptile.

"(Still grumpy? I thought getting away from all those drunken savages would've been enough to calm you down,)" said Staraptor.

"(Now, let's not call our friends that. It makes them sound like barbarians,)" said Noctowl soothingly.

The trio was hiding in the bushes across the road from Ash's house, looking through the windows at the gathering within. While they were supposed to be plotting their next moves, they were really arguing amongst themselves.

"(What's so bad about barbarians? The Mongols were my favorite civilization in Age of Empires II,)" said Sceptile.

"(Personally, I preferred the Turks. I would wreak havoc with their gunpowder weapons! My opponents would learn to Ph34r t3h [\/]igh+j 5t4rap+0r's l33t 5ki11z!)" declared Staraptor.

**Translation: My opponents would learn to fear the mighty Staraptor's elite skills.**

"(Normally, I would berate you two for getting us off track, but since we're talking about video games, I feel I must contribute to this conversation,)" interjected Noctowl. "(My favorite civ was the British, because of their longbows. A5 j00 \/\/0u1d 5aj, I 70t411j 0wnz3rd mj 3n3mj'5 4zz.)"

**Translation: As you would say, I totally owned my enemy's ass.**

"(Ha! Any fool can use the British, or as they are really called in the game, the _Britons_. I+ 74k35 a tr0e [\/]a5ter 2 p14j a5 t3[-] 7ur[5.)"

**Translation: It takes a true master to play as the Turks.**

"(Umm… guys, you may want to look at Ash's house now,)" said Sceptile, interrupting Staraptor and Noctowl's little debate. The two swiveled their heads around just in time to see May pull Ash into a hug.

The three were silent for a moment.

"(Wow, this may actually be easier than we thought!)" said Staraptor.

"(Or maybe not…)" said Noctowl as he noticed how nervous Ash appeared to be in the embrace.

Finally, May broke off from the hug and went to greet her other friends, leaving a dumbfounded Ash standing behind her.

"(Yeah… he's going to need a _lot_ of help,)" observed Sceptile.

* * *

Ash was still standing as May had left him, his mind on overdrive.

"_Did… did that actually happen? I could dreaming right now, or something. That's it, I must be dreaming! Or maybe it was just a friendly hug, between friends. Yeah… between friends…_" He was so lost in thought, he didn't notice the thin vine that wriggling its way underneath the front door.

* * *

"(Okay, I'm almost there,)" said Sceptile, as he concentrated on controlling the vine that was sprouting from the ground in front of him.

"(Are you sure this is a good idea? If you lose concentration, Frenzy Plant will go out of control,)" said Noctowl.

"(Yeah. The last thing we want to do is end up killing somebody,)" added Staraptor.

"(Well, maybe if you guys didn't talk to me, I could concentrate better!)" growled Sceptile.

"(Sorry!)" responded Noctowl and Staraptor simultaneously.

Now, the vine was sliding along the floor, unnoticed by the attendees. And then, it found its target, and began wrapping itself around May's ankle.

"(Are you sure this is a good idea?)" repeated Noctowl. "(Harming our trainer's crush doesn't make me feel too good.)"

"(I know what you mean. My conscience is giving me a beating right now,)" said Staraptor. "(But we're not gonna seriously hurt her, right? Just one little tug to the ground.)"

* * *

Ash was still lost in his thoughts when he heard a shrill shriek behind him. He turned around just in time to see May fall to the ground. But when she fell, she grabbed the closest thing to try and steady herself, which turned out to be the punch bowl. Unfortunately for her, it couldn't support her weight, and tipped over, covering May in red raspberry fruit punch.

* * *

"(Wow, that did _not_ go according to plan,)" said Sceptile guiltily.

"(Yeah, I don't think getting May doused in fruit punch was part of the plan,)" replied Staraptor sarcastically.

* * *

Ash was at May's side instantly, and helped her to her feet.

"May, are you okay?" he asked, even though it was obvious that she wasn't.

"I'm fine, Ash. Just little wet," she replied, beet-red from embarrassment. Neither of them realized that they were still holding hands. This fact was not lost upon the spies across the street.

* * *

"(They're actually holding hands!)" cried Staraptor.

"(Hmm… It seems we succeeded after all,)" mumbled Noctowl.

"(Well, if this is what it takes to get them to hold hands, I'd hate to find out what it takes to get them to kiss,)" thought Sceptile out loud.

"(Relax, we'll cross that bridge as we get there.)" Staraptor waved his wing dismissively. "(Armageddon can't be too hard to pull off, can it?)"

"(No, it can't be too hard,)" said Sceptile thoughtfully. "(But we didn't finish the Age of Empires II debate from earlier. I 7hi[\]k +3h 7ur[ 4nd Bri+0[\] ci\/i1iz47i0nz sux. 7h3j d0[\]'+ [-]4v3 4m4zi[\]g c41v41ry 4rch3rz 1i[3 +3h [\/]0ngo1z.)"

**Translation: I think the Turk and Briton civilizations suck. They don't have amazing cavalry archers like the Mongols.**

This remark only caused more squabbling, which became so intense that the trio didn't notice a certain green haired boy walk up to Ash's house and knock on the front door.


	9. Ash Almost Vomits

**DISCLAIMER: .od ohw sietrap suoirav eht htiw detailiffa yaw on ni ma dna nomekoP now ton od I**

**DISCLAIMER #2: .rtepahc suoiverp eeS**

* * *

Ash was upstairs, sorting through a hallway closet. He was trying to find a towel for May to dry herself with, but, unfortunately, Delia had deemed it necessary to only purchase ones that she considered 'cute'; meaning they had to be either pink or violet colored, have a picture of a Luvdisc, and bear a message along the lines of "_Mommy Loves You"_ or _"You'll always be my little baby_". Mortified at the prospect of handing May one of _those_, he continued his fruitless search to find a non-humiliating towel.

He was so engrossed in tearing apart the closet that he didn't hear his mother greet a rather unexpected (and uninvited) guest.

* * *

By now, the sun was setting, and Sceptile, Noctowl, and Staraptor had finally finished their debate on the best _Age of Empires II_ civilization with the grudging compromise that in the hands of an experienced player, any of the in-game civs could be used with devastating results.

Now, the trio was staring through the windows of the house with wide eyes, trying to discern what was going on inside.

"(I don't recall Drew being so scrawny,)" observed Sceptile. "(Look at him! How can he get around? It seems like a gentle breeze would send him tumbling away.)"

"(Maybe he is doing what humans call 'dieting',)" said Noctowl. "(Apparently, you are supposed to eat only minimal food for a week or two. Supposedly, it makes you more appealing to potential mates.)"

"(How does starving yourself make you more attractive?)" asked Staraptor, confused. "(And even if you _did_ become more appealing to potential mates, you wouldn't have much energy, right? How are you supposed to… you know… _get funky _when you have no energy?)"

* * *

Finally, Ash discovered a plain white towel at the back of the closet, underneath a pile of disused blankets. Deciding to tidy up the mess he made later, he set off down the stairs, only to pause halfway down when he heard the conversation going on in the living room. He crept silently down the rest of the way, and surreptitiously stuck his head around the corner.

"What are you doing here, Drew? You better not be trying to start something," said Richie, arms crossed.

"Don't worry. I'm not here to crash Ketchum's precious little _victory party_," Drew replied, spitting out the last two words as if they were poisonous. "All I want to do is talk to May. _Alone_," placing extra emphasis on 'alone'.

Ash's heart nearly stopped right there. "_All the nightmares, they're all going to come true!_" he thought, feeling a little nauseous. "_But maybe it will May will refuse. Maybe she will-"_

May stepped forward. She was still soaked from the earlier episode with the fruit punch, but she was smiling. "Of course, Drew. I'd be happy to," she said warmly, and she followed Drew outside.

Ash's stomach felt even worse. _"Hell and damnation,_" he thought sourly. He had hoped that May would've walked up to Drew and punched him square in the face.

* * *

May and Drew stood at the foot of the house's driveway, talking quietly as they looked off into the sunset. They didn't notice the three shadows in the bushes across the road.

"This sunset is so beautiful, May," said Drew as he turned towards her. "Just like you." This made May blush, and the three spies groan.

"(Oh, _please_. Not this cliché romantic crap!)" complained Sceptile.

"(I must say, humans do need some more creative ways to compliment members of the opposite sex. They should try using reverse psychology,)" said Noctowl.

"(Yeah, I'm sure everybody would just _love_ to be called a pile of dung,)" said Sceptile sarcastically as he rolled his eyes.

"May, I was wondering. Would you like to go on a date with me tomorrow night?" asked Drew in the most seductive voice he could manage. This caused May to blush even deeper, but it also caused the trio spying on them to nearly burst into laughter at his voice's similarity to Brock's 'romantic' tone.

"I would love to." She didn't hear the three gasps from the opposite side of the road.

For a moment, all three companions were completely still, staring slack-jawed at May, trying to prove to themselves that May hadn't said yes.

"(Did… did she… did she say _yes_?)" asked an astounded Staraptor.

"(I… I think so…)" answered an equally-astounded Noctowl.

Sceptile stayed silent, but it was clear that he was just as amazed as his companions were.

"I'll pick you up from your hotel at 7 o' clock tomorrow evening," said Drew as he pulled a rose out of what appeared to be out of thin air, and then handed it May.

"Yeah… see you tomorrow," she said dreamily as Drew walked down the road.

The mood of the trio had changed from astonishment to revulsion.

"(How does he know what hotel May is staying at?)" asked Noctowl.

"(Obvious, isn't it? He's a creeper,)" answered Sceptile matter-of-factually. "(I don't get what May sees in him.)"

"(Forget about _that_!)" said Staraptor. "(Did he just pull that rose _out of his pants_?!)"

"(I hope not, for his sake. Those thorns, right next to his… ouch,)" said Noctowl, who shuddered at the thought.

"(Well, at least he'll _have_ to take it slow with May,)" Staraptor joked.

"(You know, you are becoming more and more like Floatzel every day,)" commented Noctowl.

"(What?! Me, like _Floatzel?!_ You're kidding, right?!)"

Noctowl and Sceptile only shook their heads sadly as Staraptor began to go into denial.

* * *

May walked back to the house with a huge smile on her face, trying to contain her excitement. But once she finally got inside, she couldn't contain herself any longer.

"Drew asked me to go on a date!" she squealed excitedly. A few people managed to congratulate her before Misty and Dawn pulled her into a quiet corner to talk about what to wear, how to do her hair, etc.

Meanwhile, Ash's nausea had gotten _a lot_ worse upon hearing May's news. He staggered slowly up the stairs, and managed to make it to his room without vomiting. He collapsed onto his bed.

* * *

Sceptile, Noctowl, and Staraptor were hastily heading back to Professor Oak's lab. When they finally got there, they were relieved to see that the party was over, with most of the Pokemon passed out and the boom box's batteries dead. They made their way over to a sleeping Floatzel, who was hugging the now-empty beer keg like it was a teddy bear. Staraptor delivered him a swift slap across the face with a wing.

"(I'M NOT HIGH!)" he shouted hoarsely as he leapt up. It took him another second to become fully awake. "(Oh, it's just the three party-poopers. What do you want?)"

"(We just came to deliver some news,)" said Noctowl calmly. "(But what do you mean by 'I'm not high'?")

"(Err… nothing. Nothing at all.)" Floatzel gave a nervous laugh. "(Nothing like that happened at _this_ party.)"

"('_This party_'?)" repeated Noctowl, arching an eyebrow.

"(Look, did you come to lecture me on my personal habits or are you going to tell me the news?)" he asked, indignant.

"(Fine, we'll tell you. But you won't like it.)"


	10. Everyone Has Bad Luck

**DISCLAIMER: (insert barfing smiley face here)**

* * *

Floatzel, Staraptor, Noctowl, and Sceptile stood concealed in the bushes alongside the road that led to May's hotel. Their plan was about to be put to the test.

"(Are you sure this is going to work?)" asked Staraptor. "(What if Drew doesn't decide to walk here, and has his Flygon fly him here?)"

"(Well, if he does, then we're just going to have to use those anti-air missiles we stole from Team Rocket,)" answered Floatzel calmly.

"(WHAT?! Anti-air missiles?! Those are illegal!)" shouted an angry Noctowl.

"(So, what's your point? We did lots of illegal things at the party. Why, we even-)"

"(Quiet!)" hissed Sceptile, interrupting Floatzel. "(Drew's coming.)"

* * *

Drew turned around a bend in the road, and came into view of the four observers. He was carrying an absurdly large bouquet of roses that hid most of the upper half of his body. His body seemed to ooze so much overconfidence that the spies thought they could smell it. Then they realized that it was only his obnoxious-smelling cologne.

"(Ugh! That smells terrible! It smells like a Ponyta took a crap, then a Muk ate the crap and vomited it up, and then a pack of Poochyena took a piss on the vomit!)" exclaimed Floatzel while he clamped a paw over his nose.

"(Thank you for that _wonderful_ mental image,)" said Staraptor sarcastically.

"(Both of you, shut up! Drew will hear us if you keep talking!)" ordered Sceptile.

"(Okay, he's approaching the first distraction,)" observed Noctowl.

"(Thanks for that report, Captain Obvious,)" muttered Floatzel. This generated some snickers from Sceptile and Staraptor, which quickly disappeared when Noctowl smacked both of them upside their heads with his wings.

* * *

Oblivious to the Pokemon who were watching his every move, Drew walked peacefully along the road. He was staring straight ahead, and didn't see the little scrap of a Pokemon he walked by. Until it gave a whimper.

Spinning around, Drew's eyes swept the road, until they came upon a Cyndaquil lying in a heap a few paces away. The Cyndaquil was bloodied and battered, and appeared to be barely breathing.

Taking a quick glance to make sure no one else was around, Drew pulled back his right leg and gave the Cyndaquil a kick, punting it across the road and into the bushes, right next to where the four spies were watching in disbelief.

Glancing around again to make sure no one had seen what had occurred, Drew resumed walking as if nothing had happened.

* * *

Floatzel, Noctowl, Sceptile, and Staraptor were gathered in a circle around Cyndaquil. While they had expected that Drew would try to do something to help Cyndaquil, they hadn't expected that Drew would actually _harm_ him.

"(I-I-I'm f-f-fff-fine guys! R-r-r-really!)" stammered Cyndaquil.

The four breathed a sigh of relief.

"(Who would be so cold-hearted to _kick_ a defenseless, pitiful, pathetic-looking Cyndaquil?)" asked Noctowl in disbelief. "(Err, no offense,)" he added hastily when he remembered that Cyndaquil was listening.

"(Apparently, Drew is,)" answered Sceptile. "(I wouldn't be surprised if he worked for Team Rocket in his spare time.)"

"(Well, at least we have some more distractions planned for him,)" said Staraptor.

"(Speaking of which, we need to go to the next one,)" said Floatzel. "(Good acting, Cyndaquil. Sorry about what happened to you. Go back to the lab and wash off that make-up, and then take a rest. You deserve it.)"

Cyndaquil trundled off in the direction of Professor Oak's lab, and the four observers hustled off to the next trap.

* * *

Drew was walking once again when he was suddenly struck by a great gust of wind. Turning his face to avoid the chill, he saw something in the bushes alongside the road: a magnificent rose. From a distance, it would have looked like any other rose, but up close, one could see what truly made this rose amazing: it about five times the size of a normal rose, the color of the petals was a perfect shade of red, and its stem didn't appear to have any thorns adorning it.

He approached the rose, hand reaching out to take it, when it suddenly disappeared into the bushes with a loud rustle. However, instead of giving pursuit, Drew simply sighed and resumed walking.

* * *

"(WHAT?! Why didn't he chase the rose?!)" shouted an angry Floatzel, not caring if Drew heard or not. Fortunately, Drew was out of earshot.

"(Either he is extremely intelligent, or extremely lazy,)" said Noctowl thoughtfully.

"(More likely the second one,)" replied Sceptile with a snort.

"(Who cares? We need to see if the final trap works!)" said Staraptor, and all four hastened off to the final trap.

* * *

Drew was walking along the road when he saw a mysterious-looking pile of leaves and branches lying in the road. Thinking nothing of it, he didn't break stride as he walked through it, and then turned the final bend in the road to arrive at May's hotel.

Once Drew was out of sight, the four hurried out onto the road to inspect their failed pit trap.

"(I don't get it! Why didn't this work? It's simple physics!)" exclaimed a puzzled Noctowl.

"(Maybe his diet has worked a lot better than we thought,)" suggested Staraptor.

"(Why won't this stupid thing WORK?!)" shouted Floatzel angrily as he jumped onto the pit trap, landing with a THUD.

"(What was that?)" asked Staraptor.

Wordlessly, Sceptile dragged away the blanket of leaves and branches that covered the trap, revealing that the pit was, well, not a pit; it had been filled in dirt!

"(What. The. Fuck.)" muttered Sceptile.

"(ARGH! Those idiots are going to give me a stroke!)" wailed Floatzel as he brought his hands his head. "(They filled in the trap! I told them to hide the dirt they dug out _somewhere_, but of all places, they put it _back in the pit_!)"

Staraptor and Noctowl only shook their heads in disbelief at other creatures' stupidity.

Floatzel calmed down. "(But it's okay. All good masterminds have a backup plan. And while Operation Cause-Drew-To-Be-Late-For-His-Date-And-Make-Him-Seem-Like-An-Asshole didn't work, I'm sure that Operation Ruin-The-Date-And-Drew-Seem-Like-An-Asshole will. Even as we speak, the first phase of the plan goes into effect.)"

* * *

Drew was walking through the entrance of the hotel when he was bumped into by a short man wearing a trench coat. He was unable to see the man's face because the man covered it with a hat that tilted downward.

"Get out of the way!" snapped Drew.

The man didn't respond, but went around Drew and out the door.

Drew didn't notice that the roses he carried had started to wither.

* * *

When he was safely concealed in the bushes, the man took off his trench coat and hat, revealing himself to be Infernape.

"(So, did it work?)" asked Floatzel anxiously.

"(Perfectly. Those flowers will be dead before he steps out of the elevator,)" he answered. "(Who would've thought that Repel actually _kills _plants?)"

* * *

Drew stepped out of the elevator onto May's floor. Walking calmly down the hallway, he soon made it to May's room. He cleared his throat, and then knocked softly on the door.

The door quickly opened, and May walked out.

"Hi, Drew!" Then she noticed the bouquet of roses that he carried. "Um… are those for me?" she asked tentatively.

"Of course. Someone as beautiful as you deserves a beautiful gift," he said as he held out the roses.

"Um… thank you… I guess."

Drew finally looked down at the bouquet of roses he held. To his horror, every single rose had withered and turned a sickly shade of gray.

* * *

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), the evening only got worse from there.

As soon as May and Drew had left the hotel, it mysteriously started raining, and soon they were both soaked. By the time that they made it to the local movie theater, Drew had even been struck by lightning a few times!

When they finally were in the movie theater, they arrived just in time to see a mysterious man in a trench coat purchase the last of the popcorn. But luckily, May only wanted a soda, which Drew was all too happy to pay for. Neither of them noticed that something was wrong with the drink until May took a sip and discovered that, instead of soda, it was a purplish, foul-tasting slime.

After much apologizing, May let Drew take her into the theater, and just as they walked by the fire alarm, Drew tripped and accidently pulled it as he fell, causing himself and May to be soaked even more than before by the fire sprinklers. Drew managed to explain to the theater's manager that he only pulled it by accident. But the manager still charged $200 to cover the cost of cleaning up the water. Unfortunately, Drew only had $80 with him, so May had to pay the rest.

Being a forgiving person, May allowed the date to continue. Unfortunately, the only theater that hadn't been doused with water was showing a horror movie. While Drew was screaming in terror the whole time, May was bored; the movie had a cliché plot, the characters spoke in annoying voices, and the special effects were lousy.

After the movie, Drew took May to the fanciest restaurant in Pallet Town, only to be refused entry because they were still soaked. They had to settle for a fast food joint, which May hated (but she didn't tell Drew that). To their dismay (and especially Drew's), the food, which was normally greasy and disgusting, was even more disgusting than normal: it was rotten and moldy. They left without eating.

As they were walking back to the hotel, the rain started up again, and Drew was once again struck by lightning several times.

Once they got back to the hotel, they found out that the elevators were out of order, and they would have to take the stairs, all the way to May's tenth floor room. Drew, of course, claimed that his leg hurt, so they would have to say good bye right here in the lobby.

"May, I'm sorry about all of the bad things that happened on our date tonight," he said, trying to sound as apologetic as possible, which was something that didn't happen too often.

"It's okay, Drew. We just had bad luck," she replied, hiding her irritation.

They stood in silence for a few seconds, and then Drew put his hands on her shoulders, and began to bring his face closer… and closer… and closer. May closed her eyes, waiting for the kiss.

But as soon as she closed her eyes, she heard a muffled "Help me!" from Drew, and then felt his hands leave her shoulders. She opened her eyes to find that Drew wasn't there.

* * *

Outside the hotel, the four observers were high-fiving.

"(Mission accomplished!)" said Floatzel proudly. "(There's no way that May can have _any_ feelings for Drew after tonight!)"

"(Yeah, but what do we do with _him_,)" asked Sceptile as he gestured towards the large sack that held a bound and gagged Drew.

Floatzel led them down to the Pallet Town docks, where Sceptile (who was carrying the sack) tossed the sack containing Drew into an empty shipping crate, and closed it shut. Noctowl stuck a label on the crate that read: **Destination: Petalburg City, Hoenn. To: Norman Maple, Petalburg City Gym Leader. Notes: Dear Norman, this boy attempted to sexually assault your daughter. Have fun beating him. From, People Who Care.**

"(This should take care of Drew for a while.)"


	11. A Special Visit

**DISCLAIMER: If the owners of Pokemon weren't so benign, I could get sued!:)**

* * *

Back at Professor Oak's lab, Floatzel was relating the night's events to a captivated audience.

"(…And then, we dropped him into a shipping crate, which is probably halfway to Hoenn by now. And when he finally gets out, he'll get his face smashed by Norman!)" finished Floatzel.

The assembled pokemon broke into cheers. Though it was near midnight, the excitement brought about by Drew's misfortune kept them wide awake. Even pokemon who didn't belong to Ash were cheering; they'd all heard tales of the snobby boy's infamously bad behavior.

The only pokemon who wasn't cheering was the ever-grumpy Corphish. "(So, what do we do now?)"

His question silenced the cheers, and the audience turned to Floatzel expectantly.

"(Err… I'll let Noctowl answer that,)" he said, and he pulled the owl pokemon forward.

"(Uh… well, with Drew out of the picture, it is much easier for us to hook May up with Ash, since Drew seemed to be May's only other romantic interest. So, I think we should-)"

Corphish interrupted him. "(Do we have any proof that May even has any feelings for Ash in the first place?)"

After receiving only a blank stare in return, he continued.

"(So far, we've been guessing that May has feelings for Ash. But do we have any evidence to back up our guesses? We've pretty much wasted a lot of time if May doesn't return Ash's feelings.)"

"(Um… Corphish? How can you not remember all that flirtatious stuff she did in Hoenn and Kanto that Ash was too dense to notice?)" piped up Swellow.

Corphish rolled his eyes. "(Guys, it's been over a year since May left the group. Don't you think that her feelings could have changed?)"

"(So what are we supposed to do? It's not like we can ransack her hotel room in the middle of the night,)" said Noctowl dismissively. Then he noticed the mischievous looks he was getting from some audience members. "(Oh, no…)"

* * *

Ash was lying in his bed, trying unsuccessfully to fall asleep. The moment of hearing about May's date kept replaying itself in his head. However, the fatigue was blurring his memory, and the details got more skewed each time the scene replayed.

He was oblivious to the shadow that seemed to detach itself from the wall, and floated over to rest next to his head. Without warning, it suddenly sprang out and engulfed Ash's face for a second, and then pulled back and retreated to the wall, where it passed through it as if it weren't even there.

A low chuckle was heard as the shadow swept towards downtown Pallet. "(Hahahaha! It seems that lil' Ash is having some girl trouble!)" Another throaty chuckle. "(Ugh. I only wish that his dreams tasted better. But that can't be helped. And now to find this 'May' person he's been dreaming of.)"

* * *

Floatzel, Sceptile, Infernape, and Bulbasaur sat concealed in the bushes next to the entrance to May's hotel.

Bulbasaur voiced his doubts. "(Are you sure this is safe? If we get caught-)"

"(Well, we won't. So just hurry up and do your thing, and then step aside to let us in,)" interrupted Infernape.

"(No. The only one among you that I trust is Sceptile. I'm coming with you, to keep you and Floatzel in control.)"

Floatzel rolled his eyes. "(Fine, fine. You can come with us, okay? Now just hurry up and sleep powder that building!)"

Bulbasaur walked over to the front door, and, holding it open with a forearm, he released a cloud of sleep powder into the lobby. Then, after walking over to a nearby vent, into the hotel's ventilation system as well.

After waiting a minute for the sleep powder to take effect, he walked over the front entrance and stuck his head out. "(All clear. Just try to keep it down. I don't know how much noise it'll take to wake them up.)"

Sceptile, Floatzel, and Infernape emerged from the bushes, and walked stealthily into the hotel. Taking great care to tiptoe past the sleeping employee at the front desk (but not before stealing his master key and skimming the hotel register), they pressed the button for the elevator, whose door immediately opened. They stepped quietly inside, and Sceptile pressed the button for the tenth floor.

* * *

Three minutes and many comments of "(This elevator music sucks!)" later…

The elevator arrived at the tenth floor, and the four intruders crept silently down the hallway to May's room. Using the stolen key, Infernape opened the door, and they crept inside, shutting the door behind them.

Almost immediately, a loud THUMP echoed throughout the room, and Floatzel was hopping about on one foot, the over clasped in his right paw. His left paw was covering his mouth, and was the only thing preventing his shriek of pain from erupting across the room.

"(Quite down!)" hissed Bulbasaur. "(Do you want May to wake up?)"

Floatzel stopped hopping around, and lowered his throbbing foot to the ground. "(Well, sorry for having terrible night vision!)" he hissed back. "(Can we at least turn on the lights? How else are we supposed to see?)"

Inferape groped his hand along the wall and found a switch. Hoping that it was for the lights, he flipped it on.

All four of them instantly recoiled in horror at what the light revealed.

Infernape screamed in terror. "(WHAT IS TH-)" Floatzel hastily clamped a paw over his mouth to muffle the rest.

Sceptile asked the same question, only quieter. "(W-w-what is that?)" he stammered.

Surrounding May's sleeping form was a shadowy, black mist. As if the mist had heard their voices, it reared up off of May and glided along the floor toward them.

Needing no more encouragement, the four frightened friends ran for the door, only to be foiled when the mist swept past them and stood in front of it.

"(WE'RE GONNA DIE!)" shouted Infernape as he ran around in panicked circles.

Floatzel got down on his knees and started begging. "(Please spare me! I just wanna live a peaceful life! I want to find a mate, and then live with her in a nice, unpolluted lake. Is that too much to ask for?!)"

Sceptile was curled in a fetal position on the floor. Low sobs escaped from his mouth.

Bulbasaur was throwing himself repeatedly at the window, each time a futile attempt to break it.

The mist seemed to slowly congeal before the terrifed pokemons' eyes, and Infernape's shrieking grew louder.

"(No! It's turning into our worst nightmare! It will torment us even as the last of the life force drains from our bodies!)" pronounced Infernape.

Floatzel stepped up his begging. "(Please, spare me! I'll give you anything! Take the others' souls! They're a lot tastier than mine!)"

The mist laughed. "(Why would I kill you?)"

"(It's playing mind games! Don't listen!)" Infernape shouted.

The mist sped up its process of solidifying itself. "(Now tell me, why would I want your souls? After all, I'm just a simple little Haunter.)"

Sure enough, the mist had disappeared, revealing a Haunter floating before the four cowering intruders.

"(You're just a pokemon?)" asked Floatzel.

Haunter nodded.

"(Whew! That is such a relief! Hahaha!)"

Recognition dawned on Bulbasaur's slightly bruised face. "(Wait a minute! You're the Haunter that Ash played with at the Pokemon Tower, and the one who got Ash his Marsh Badge!)"

"(The one and the same.)"

"(So, what are you doing here?)"

"(I heard that Ash was going to be back here after he won the Sinnoh League. I've tried to catch him each time he stops back in Pallet Town, but I'm always too late. But this time, I've made it!)"

"(Yeah, so uh… what were you doing to May's face?)" asked Infernape.

"(Nothing, nothing. Just sampling a bit of her dream. I must tell you, her dream was so fluffy and romantic, and lot better than poor Ash's. He would probably feel a lot better if he knew that she was dreaming about him.)"

Floatzel immediately perked up. "(What happened in the dream?)"

"(Oh, the usual romantic stuff. You know, romantic walk along the beach, holding hands, kissing, staring peacefully off into the sunset. That stuff.)"

The four intruders exchanged looks of amazement.

"(You're coming back to the lab with us.)"


	12. Ghosts Enjoy Chocolate

**DISCLAIMER: The world is burning. All because of the people who don't put disclaimers in their fanfics. **_**Run.**_

* * *

Haunter, Floatzel, Sceptile, Infernape, and Bulbasaur were hiding in the bushes at Professor Oak's lab. Directly in front of them was a clearing were dozens of pokemon milled about, waiting for the group's return. Though it was near 3:00 AM, most residents of the lab were wide awake, courtesy of the anticipation in the air, campfires provided by the various fire-type pokemon, and coffee that a few enterprising Linoone had stolen from Professor Oak and were now selling on the lab's 'black market'.

"(Are you sure this is a good idea? Most of the pokemon I know are afraid of ghost-types,)" whispered Haunter.

"(Relax, you'll be fine,)" assured Sceptile. "(I mean, it's not like you're going to haunt them or anything.)"

"(Umm… well _not exactly_ haunt them, but maybe a few random scares here and there,)" said Haunter nonchalantly. "(And I may nibble on some of their dreams,)" he added hastily.

"(Uh… whatever, as long as you don't scar them for life. Now, come on! I'm sure they'll want to know what happened in May's dream,)" said Floatzel as he dragged Haunter from the bushes and into the center of the clearing.

There were a few scattered cheers as the group made its way into the clearing, but upon sight of Haunter, they were quickly silenced. Some of the younger pokemon began to back away with wide eyes.

"(I told you this was going to happen. They're terrified of me,)" hissed Haunter.

"(Nonsense. They're just nervous because you're a stranger. Just show them how friendly you are, and they'll warm up to you in no time,)" whispered Bulbasaur encouragingly.

Word quickly got out that the group had gotten back, and soon most residents of the lab had arranged themselves in a wide semicircle around the five. Sceptile cleared his throat, silencing any side conversations, and spoke.

"(Our mission was a success!)" he declared.

Immediately, the crowd broke into applause, which was silenced when Sceptile raised a hand.

"(But not in the way you think. Indeed, our mission would have been a failure if it weren't for a surprise visit by an old friend of Ash. Haunter used Hypnosis to keep May asleep as we bumbled about in the dark.)" Sceptile stepped aside, and pushed Haunter forward, where he was greeted by silence.

"(So… some of you may know me,)" he began. "(I am the Haunter who helped Ash win the Marsh Badge.)"

Cyndaquil piped up. "(Didn't you also remove his soul from his body when he visited the Pokemon Tower?)"

"(Uh… yeah.)" Then he saw the accusing glares he was getting from the mob. "(It was all for fun!)"

"(It's true! We had a great time)" added Pikachu. Everyone turned to him in surprise.

"(Where've you been this whole time?)" asked Floatzel.

"(Well, the author kinda forgot about me. But that doesn't matter. What does matter is what Haunter saw in May's dream, so all of you just stop being so prejudiced and pay attention to what he has to say.)"

"(Thanks for that, Pikachu. Anyway, I came to Pallet Town after hearing that Ash had won the Sinnoh League. I've tried to catch him here after he came back from Johto, The Orange Islands, and Hoenn, but I kept missing him. I guess I got lucky this time.)"

"(Would you just tell us about May's dream already?!)" growled Corpish impatiently.

"(Patience, patience. So, after such a long trip over here from Saffron City, I was hungry, so I decided to take a quick snack on Ash's dream using Dream Eater.)"

"(What?! You used Dream Eater on one of your friends! That's wrong!)" shouted a Sunflora in the back of the crowd.

"(Hey, at least _I _can reproduce normally, Mr. Asexual Reproduction!)" he retorted.

"(Hey! That's not true!)" shouted back the indignant Sunflora.

"(Yeah, it's not, because if you're asexual, you can't be a 'Mr.')"

"(Just because I'm a grass-type and I look like a plant doesn't mean that-)"

"(Just shut up!)" yelled Floatzel, silencing the fuming Sunflora.

"(Thank you, Floatzel.)" Haunter paused for a minute to collect his thoughts. "(So, thanks to Dream Eater, I could see Ash's dream. He was kind of depressed. He seemed to be thinking about someone named 'May'. Being naturally curious, I decided to find this 'May' and find out if she is dreaming about Ash.)"

"(But how did you find May's hotel?)" asked Totodile.

Haunter snorted. "(C'mon, it's Pallet Town! There are only like three hotels in this town. It was easy to go to one of them and scan the register to see if a 'May' was staying there. And then, it was easy enough to see if the 'May' matched the one in Ash's dream.)"

"(So, what happened in May's dream?)" asked Heracross, and the mob moved forward eagerly.

"(Just the standard, cliché romantic stuff. They went for a walk along a beach at sunset, and then they both went up onto a grassy hill to watch some shooting stars. And then things got steamy. May went 'Oh, Ash, you're so hot and smexy' and Ash was like 'Not as hot and smexy as you are', and then they totally made out.)"

Everyone in the crowd sweatdropped. "(Are you sure that's what they said?)" asked Bayleef.

"(It would be what they said if humans didn't watch so many romantic movies. Seriously, those movies are clouding their perception of how love is supposed to be,)" replied Haunter. But then he licked his lips with his enormous tongue. "(May's dream was sweeter than any other I've tasted. I would love to eat another of her dreams. It's like… uhh… what do mortals call sweet-tasting food?)"

"(Chocolate?)" suggested Sceptile.

"(Ah, yes. Chocolate. May's dream tasted like chocolate.)"

The pokemon in the crowd exchanged glances.

"(So, do you know if May actually feels this way, or if this is just some random dream she had?)" asked Noctowl.

"(Unfortunately, there is no way for me to know. If you want to probe her mind, you're going to have ask an Alakazam. But in my own opinion as a dream connoisseur, I can safely say that those feelings are most likely genuine. It's not often that you get a dream _that_ fluffy unless a person feels strongly about someone else, unless you're insane or you've been using drugs. And I don't think Ash is the type to hang out with psychopaths or druggies.)"

The members of the crowd exchanged more glances.

"(So, we know that Ash has feelings for May, and that May has feelings for Ash,)" summarized Staraptor. "(So, all we need to do is get them to say 'I like you as more than a friend' to each other, and then it'll be mission complete.)"

"(Don't think it will be so easy; this isn't like a movie,)" warned Haunter. "(If you screw up big-time, you'll end up dooming their relationship, and you can't hit the rewind button. Tread carefully.)"

"(So what do we do? It's not like there's some magic guide to hooking up two people,)" said Noctowl.

Torterra coughed nervously. "(Um… you guys don't really pay attention to newspapers and stuff like I do, so you wouldn't know this, but there are a bunch of books and websites that give so-called 'dating advice' to humans.)'

Everyone in the crowd gasped in amazement.

Floatzel was the first to recover. "(Humans actually make guides on proper romantic techniques?)" he asked incredulously.

If Toerterra had arms, he would have been scratching his head in embarrassment. "(Yeah, I couldn't believe it when I read that ad in the newspaper either.)" He gave a nervous laugh. "(I memorized some websites about human romance from some ads I saw in the paper. If we can get into the lab and borrow one of the computers, I can show them to you.)"

"(But none of us know how to use a computer. Heck, most of us don't even know how to _read_.)"

Everyone was silent for a moment, deep in thought. Then, Noctowl piped up.

"(Is there a Porygon here?)"


	13. Ursaring Says: Don't Play With Fire!

**DISCLAIMER: Pokemon is sooooooooo kewl! LOL! ROFLCOPTER!**

* * *

The first rays of sunlight over the horizon, bathing the clearing in a gentle orange hue. Fresh dew on the grass glistened like crystals in the sunlight, birdsong began to echo throughout the land, and the pokemon of the Kanto region rose to greet another day.

Most of them, anyway.

The residents of Porfessor Oak's lab were sleeping contentedly, exhausted after staying up until nearly 4 'o clock in the morning. But for them, it was worth it. Hearing the news of Drew's appointment with a fierce beating had brought happy dreams to all. Now, it was a simple wait for night to fall once again, so that the main schemers could resume their plans.

Unfortunately, they failed to consider one very important variable in their plans…

* * *

"What a beautiful sunrise!" exclaimed May as she strolled out of her hotel, luggage in hand. "I hope that the weather back in Johto is as good as it is here…"

And with that said, she began the walk down to the port.

* * *

Floatzel was mumbling in his sleep, not knowing that Haunter was shaking his shoulders in a vain attempt to wake him up.

"(Oh, Miss Bubbles, you are too kind. The most handsome and masculine floatzel you've ever seen? Well, I wouldn't say that… What's that? You wanna make out? Well, if you insist.)"

Floatzel puckered his lips, and brought his head forward, unknowingly, toward Haunter's face. Haunter realized what was going on and jumped back before Floatzel's lips could make contact.

"(Whoa, whoa, whoa! What was that for?! I know that I'm a lovable specimen, but I'm not into _that_ kind of love!)"

Floatzel was still asleep, and kept on mumbling. "(What's that? You want more? Well, Miss Bubbles, I'll give you all that you want…)"

Floatzel's pleasant dream was shattered by a slap across the face.

"(Finally!)" shouted a victorious Haunter as Floatzel bolted upright.

"(Hey! I was having a great dream! Why'd you need to interrupt it?!)" grumped Floatzel.

"(The sun is rising.)"

Floatzel rolled his eyes. "(Thanks for that, Captain Obvious. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to try and resume that amazing dream, so just leave me alone,)" he said as he lay back down and closed his eyes.

"(Okay, but I just wanted to let you know that May's ship is leaving today.)"

Floatzel snapped his eyes open. "(Say what?)"

"(May's ship back to Johto is leaving today, probably within an hour,)" repeated Haunter. "(Don't tell me you forgot?)"

Floatzel was dumbfounded. He had completely overlooked the fact that May would have to leave Pallet Town eventually, and worst of all, she was leaving _today_. He jumped up and sprinted in what he hoped was the direction of the port.

"(Wake the others up and tell them!)" he shouted over his shoulder as he faded away in the distance.

* * *

Crouched behind some shipping crates, Floatzel had a complete view of May's ship, or rather, what he hoped was May's ship; his detective skills were not exactly police-worthy.

"(C'mon, Floatzel. You can figure out some way to stall the ship!)" he said to himself. "(ARGH! What can I do?!)"

Then he spotted the ships' refueling station. Cautiously, he slunk over, weaving his way around crates and boxes and avoiding any dock workers, until he was right next to a stack of oil drums. After glancing around to make sure that no one was watching, he casually removed a drum from the bottom of the stack, making the stack collapse, and causing the drums to tip over and spill oil in all directions.

In no time at all, the oil had covered nearly half of the dockyard in a shallow puddle, which the sleepy dockworkers didn't notice.

Floatzel walked over to a nearby crate labeled **Pyromaniac Fireworks Inc: Blowing S*** Up Never Looked So Cool **and lifted off the lid, scavenging around inside.

"(Let's see… sparklers… bottle rockets… Roman candles… Catherine wheels… skyrockets… firecrackers… mines… flares… ah ha! My favorite! The good ol' Silver salute!)"

From the crate, he withdrew a small grey cylinder, with a green fuse sticking out of the end. He was about to put the lid back on the crate, but then thought better of it and upturned it, spilling the fireworks onto the ground and into the oil. He pulled out a match hidden in the fur behind his right ear, and then struck it on the side of the crate, igniting it.

"(Heh heh heh… And they called me crazy for carrying a match everywhere I go… A good pyromaniac is always prepared…)"

And with that, he lit the fuse of the Silver salute, and threw it as hard he could. There was a big BOOM, and the oil around the exploded firecracker went up in flames. Floatzel began laughing maniacally, oblivious to the fire that spreading towards him. It was only when the fireworks that were near his feet began to go off did he remember that he was standing in puddle of oil, surrounded by explosives.

"(I probably should've thought this through…)"

* * *

May was walking slowly towards the port, taking time to enjoy the peaceful spring day. Because it was just after sunrise, the town was quiet, except for the dock workers, who were going through the last stages of preparing the ship for departure.

She was just beginning to get lost in the soothing birdsong of the morning when a loud explosion sounded from the direction of the port, and she looked up in time to see a gigantic fireball erupt over the docks.

* * *

"(Damn, damn, damn!)" swore Floatzel as he batted at his burnt fur. "(My shiny fur is ruined! What female in their right mind would want a floatzel with singed fur as their mate?!)"

Fortunately for Floatzel, there had been a nearby shipping crate labeled **Fire Protection Co: Saving Lives for 50 Years**. He somehow managed to wrestle off the lid, and found a pile of neatly folded fire suits. But the suits were meant for humans, not sea weasels, and some of his fur stuck out of the one he had hastily put on. In particular, the fur on his tail and rear end.

"(I'm gonna be the laughingstock of the lab! No one will let me forget this for as long as I live!)" he cried out miserably. But then his face contorted back into the maniacal expression from before. "(But it was all worth to see _the coolest pyrotechnics display of all time_!)" and he began to chuckle, which then developed into a laugh reminiscent of a mad scientist's. And so, he walked on back to the lab, laughing the whole time.

* * *

Back at the lab, the pokemon were huddled in one big circle, each trying to make sense of what was going on.

"(What was that explosion? It sounded like it came from the port…)"

"(Maybe Team Rocket decided to do something really evil for once…)"

"(Didn't Haunter say that Floatzel went down there?)"

"(But could it really have been him?)"

"(I bet that it was him. Any takers?)"

"(What about May? Wasn't she supposed to be there?)"

"(I'm sure she's okay. Floatzel smarter than he looks…)"

"(Yeah, but he's also insane.)"

"(He should've been locked up in the insane asylum long ago….)"

The conversations were hushed when the group saw Floatzel hop over the fence and make his way towards them.

"(May won't be leaving anytime soon,)" he declared, which caused the group to erupt into cheers.

"(Umm… did you have anything to do with that explosion?)" asked Noctowl hesitantly.

"(Yep!)" said Floatzel proudly. "(Best fireworks display I've ever seen!)"

The applause was immediately silenced.

"(You… you blew up the port?)" asked Staraptor in disbelief.

"(Yep!)" responded Floatzel cheerfully.

"(But… but… but that's against the law!)" protested Noctowl.

He shrugged. "(Last time I checked, there's no jail for pokemon. So, legally I'm in the clear.)"

"(But-but-but-but…)" stammered Noctowl.

"(Look, does it really matter? I'm sure that everything that was damaged was covered by insurance, and the only people who would've gotten hurt were those who were too stupid to run away from the fire.)"

"(Like you?)" said Sceptile, pointing to Floatzel's singed tail and buttocks.

"(Err… yeah! But it was all worth it!)" He let out a short bark of laughter.

"(Next time, you should leave this stuff to a fire-type,)" said Infernape, his face serious. "(You could've been hurt far worse.)"

"(Yeah, I know. But you guys were all asleep, and if I didn't act fast, May would've been gone!)"

"(So… now what?)" asked Staraptor.

"(Well, we just for nightfall, so we can sneak Porygon into the lab, so he can work his magic and visit those websites that Torterra told us about,)" said Sceptile. "(But we have plenty of time, so we can go nap, play, party, whatever.)"

"(Yeah… party,)" muttered Floatzel, getting a wild look in his eyes.


	14. Illegal Horror

**DISCLAIMER: ****a statement, document, or assertion that disclaims responsibility, affiliation, etc.; disavowal; denial.**

_

* * *

The laughter of the partygoers echoed down the dark street, keeping even the heaviest sleepers awake. Merrily they danced about, too drunk or high to care about the ruckus they were causing. Oh, sure they'd heard rumors about the escaped murderer loose in their town. But being teenagers, they thought of themselves as invincible, and had easily dismissed that news. There were some among them who had taken careful thought of it and almost refused to come to the party altogether. But the allure of a night of merriment was too great, and everyone invited, and even some who hadn't been invited, had shown up, much to the anticipation of one person in particular._

_Right now, he stood concealed in the shadows of the house. While in prison, he had been deprived of his favorite hobby. And now he finally is able to enjoy it again. He picked up the sack that was lying next to his feet and rummaged through it. His sack of 'toys'. He pulled out his longtime favorite: a meat cleaver, rusted and worn from frequent use. He stealthily crept over to the front porch, not that it was necessary; everyone inside was too inebriated to stop him if they noticed. But it was part of his hunting technique, and he always followed proper form._

_He silently opened the front door and stepped into the pit of unshielded joy and merriment. There! Right in front of him, at the foot of the stairs, sat a young couple who had one too many drinks. They didn't seem to notice him until he raised his right arm in preparation to strike, bringing the cleaver down toward their-_

"(Staraptor, will you _shut up_! We know you're a sadistic kind of pokemon, but that doesn't mean that you have to laugh at every blood spatter,)" growled Floatzel for what seemed like the tenth time.

"(S-s-s-sorry!)" he managed to get out between giggles. "(I c-can't help it! Wahahaha! Look at it! Her brain is leaking through her skull! Wahaha!)"

"(Damn birds of prey and their sadism…)" muttered Floatzel under his breath, forgetting that birds of prey also had exceptionally good hearing. But fortunately, Staraptor was still consumed by laughter, and Noctowl pretended not to hear his comment.

"(Maybe this wasn't such a good idea…)" wondered Noctowl out loud as another blood spatter engulfed the screen,

"(Tell me about,)" snorted Sceptile. "(This movie sucks. The setting sucks. The characters suck. The plot sucks. Everything about it sucks.)"

"(No, not the movie! I mean our plan,)" clarified Noctowl.

"(Oh, yeah. That sucks too.)"

"(You're just exaggerating. I'm sure it'll all work out in the end,)" sniffed Noctowl, slightly miffed. It was his plan, after all.

"(Yeah, it was such a _marvelous_ idea to promise some random Porygon we've never met before that we'll get him a… what was it?)"

"(A time machine,)" suggested Noctowl meekly.

"(Yeah, we promised a random Porygon that we'll get him something that doesn't even exist in exchange for him checking out a few websites that Torterra found when he was reading a random newspaper. And while he's doing that, we're watching a pirated horror movie on Gary's desktop.)"

"(Okay, I'll admit that there were some _tiny_ flaws, but that doesn't mean-)"

"(Shhh! Your chatter is drowning out their screams of pain and suffering!)" interrupted Staraptor, silencing the talking duo.

"(I must say, it is appalling to me that people still find this kind of stuff entertaining. We haven't changed much from the ancient Romans and their love of gladiatorial combat…)" mused Haunter, receiving another "Shhh!" from Staraptor in the process.

"(Here comes the finale!)" whispered Staraptor, his eyes glowing with anticipation.

_Only two people were left alive in the house. They were cowering in each other's arms in a corner of the darkened kitchen. With a creaking that sounded like a gunshot in the dreadful silence, the kitchen door opened, and the man stepped in. He had had his fill for the night, but these last two would be his dessert. A bloody, claw-like hand groped along the wall until it found the light switch. He hesitated briefly. The darkness was his friend. But without light, how would he be able to see the terror in his final victims' eyes? After a moment's more consideration, he flipped the switch, revealing himself to be-_

"(Hey, guys! I'm finished!)"

"(AHHHHH!)" shrieked all four of the movie-watchers while falling over in terror. Well, in Haunter's case, it was more of a midair somersault.

"(I… think… I… had a stroke…)" panted Floatzel.

"(No more horror movies for while…)" muttered Staraptor, the wild glow now gone from his eyes.

"(Even for a ghost, that was scary…)" thought Haunter out loud.

The Porygon hired to scope out Torterra's websites had returned… partially. Half of his body was sticking out of the computer screen, while the over part was still in cyberspace.

"(So… what did you find?)" asked Sceptile, who was the most of recovered of the four.

"(Lots!)" he declared happily, and he flashed them a cheeky grin.

The four now-recovered pokemon shared a glance.

"(Uh… we meant about human relationships,)" said Noctowl.

"(Oh, _that_! Well, when a man and a women love each very much, they-)"

"(Not _that_!)" hastily interrupted Floatzel. "(This is a t-rated story!)"

"(-get married,)" finished the porygon. "(What did you think I was going to say?)"

"(…nothing…)" sighed Floatzel, relieved.

"(Well, anyway, the standard human procedure for 'dates', as they're called, seems to be going out to dinner together.)"

"(Hmph. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard,)" snorted Staraptor. "(Hunting together would be a much better bonding experience. I can just imagine it: myself and my mate, diving down on an unsuspecting buneary or rattata, sinking our talons into its juicy, tender flesh…)" He trailed off as he started to salivate.

"(While I find it hard to agree with Staraptor's disgusting statement, I must say that simply _eating_ together does not seem like an adequate bonding experience. Even that so-called 'date' we trashed a few chapters ago doesn't seem adequate. How can one find romance from simply observing events occurring on a theater screen?)" pondered Noctowl.

"(Well, if you don't want to know, that's fine, but I thought this might interest you,)" said the porygon as he moved his body aside so they could see an image he brought up onscreen.

They curiously crowded around the screen.

"(Oh, no, dear Arceus no…)" moaned Noctowl.

"(Oh _yes_!)" murmured Floatzel, his eyes taking on a mischievous glint.

* * *

"Ash, honey, can you get the mail?" called Delia Ketchum, who was occupied with preparing dinner in the kitchen.

"Sure, mom," he called back, and flipped off the television. Nothing new on anyway, only replays of the Sinnoh championships, and he had enough bad memories from that to haunt him for a lifetime.

As he trotted out the front door and towards the mailbox at the foot of the driveway, his thoughts drifted to his future, because that happens _all the time_ in real life.

"_What should I do now? I've competed in the leagues of five regions, seen hundreds of pokemon, traveled around most of the world, and even saved the planet a few times! What else is left?"_ he thought absently as he reached the mailbox and started sifting through the mail. There was the usual collection of advertisements, bills, junk mail, fan mail, hate mail, and… what was _that_?

* * *

May and Max were just returning to their hotel after a long and fun/miserable day of shopping. Since the port had mysteriously burst into flame the day before, both siblings were stuck in Kanto and were currently sharing a room at May's original hotel. And since they had only planned to stay in Kanto for a few days, they hadn't packed enough clothing, and May happily dragged Max off for a day of shopping, much to his chagrin.

As they walked into the hotel's entrance, the employee behind the main desk called out to May, "Hey, miss! You've got mail!"

This made her pause. How could she have mail if no one except her friends knew that she was here? But she shrugged off that thought.

"Be right there!" she called back, and she turned around and dumped her armload of shopping bags into Max's already-full arms.

"Hey! What am I supposed to do with these?!" said Max indigently, starting to sag over from the weight of the bags.

"Take them up to the room. Duh!" replied May as she walked over to the front desk, pretending not to hear the muttered curses that were directed towards her.

"Here's your mail," said the hotel employee as he handed it over. And with that important task done, he resumed the nap that had been interrupted earlier by the postman.

May flipped through the small stack of envelopes. There was the expected letter from her parents asking if she was okay (the dockyard fire had been broadcast around the world) and the expected letter from fans, who, no matter how secretive she was, were always able to track her every move, and there was… wait. What was _that_?


End file.
